Love

All around me, people are falling in love. Quite seriously, I think they could write a Charmed episode about me, I think some misguided fairy has bewitched me, so that all around me find and fall in love. Unfortunately, the spell means that I will be forever incapable of finding true romance.

I doubt very much that this is true, but it's a storyline which matches how I feel some of the time.

Mostly I am so happy for my friends. Whether they are in the early stages of a friendship, and you can see that special sparkle, or whether they have been married for years, but still show the world they love each other, it's so sweet to watch. But every now and then, this little tiny part of me feels jealous. Occasionally, I cry just a little bit. Sometimes, I get worried that it'll never happen to me. I fear being single for life almost more than anything else in the world.

People say you should wait patiently, and that you should treasure your single years. I know in my head that that is true, but convincing my heart is another thing all together.

I'm sure one day it'll happen. It just seems impossible now.

So, I'll just continue teasing, and pretending that love doesn't exist. I'll continue to refuse to watch sappy romantic movies. It's my coping mechanism, and it's how I can continue this whole Happy Rosalie facade.

just thinking out loud...

Does it make me a bad person that I just texted youth groupians, really hoping that they are all naughty kids and have their phones on them at school? Maybe a little bit...

Summer is just around the corner...

I just love summer. I love mangoes and the beach and dresses and Christmas and everything about it.
I'm very excited about my 4 whole weeks of holiday. don't know exactly what I'm doing yet, but it's going to be beautiful. And hopefully free :P I wanna go camping. But camping in summer would be crap. Can you go camping at the beach? I'd like that. I think. I haven't been proper camping in a while. A long while. But whatever.
Then there is Port Vincent Family Mission, which is going to be amazing. Very excited about that. Probably mostly excited about getting to spend that time with my family, but also the telling families about Jesus part...
And I love summer fruit. Mangoes, strawberries, apricots, peaches, nectarines...yum yum yum. Oh, and plums!
Such good fun :D

Kids Club is Amazing

...just putting it out there :D

We have a team of the most incredible junior leaders and Kids Club assistants. Seriously, this Kids Club has been very little stress for everyone, and these guys are the ones to thank. I'm always amazed to see young people use their initiative, and pitch in and make something incredible happen! We only have like 6 adults, and it all works out, I just can't get over it. I can't think of an adjective that sums it up. Marvelous, amazing, incredible, fabulous etc etc. 

And the kids have been beautiful. Seriously, I've barely had to raise my voice at all. Well I did in the drama today yelling "Fire fire" :P Amazing kids.

Everything's gone so smoothly, we've been really fortunate. 

And I had an amazing night's sleep yesterday, so I feel great. Have to organise a couple of things for tomorrow, but that's cool. Just having a few minutes of break first lol. Might go check my frontierville or something...coz yes, I like to waste my time. Ah well. 

Jesus is so great. Things like Kids Club don't just happen, they happen with his support and guidance, and I'm just so grateful.

And yes, I know this sounds overly cheerful, but that's just how I feel right now. :P

You want a negative? Well, I smell all chloriney :P That's about as bad as it gets today. And i still have a headache from where I hit it the other day, but even that has a positive side, coz it reminds me of the doughnuts I was watching which caused me to hit it, and the doughnuts were yum and remind me of my sister, so really cool silver lining there :D

Love Jesus, Love life, Love everything and everyone. :)

In other news...

Wow it's been a blog since I've monthed. That's literally the first attempt at the start for this, a possible indication that I'm over tired? yes, probably...
Life has been interesting to say the least. I've had some great moments, like my brother's 2nd birthday. We had a "Very Hungry Caterpillar" party, which was amazing. We had all the foods from the book, it was so cute. He loved the strawberries even more than the chocolates and stuff, so adorable.
Then a friend I thought I'd lost turned out to still love me, so I was like insanely happy for a full 24 hours. Like singing and dancing in the street happy. :)
Speaking of singing and dancing in the street, I was home one night and heard the fireworks from the show, so i ran down the street in my pajamas to try and get a good look at them. My pants had lost their elastic, so I was trying to hold them up the whole time, I must have looked ridiculous. But it was so much fun.
I've started trying to be honest with people when I feel crap, and I'm trying to get help before I slide all the way to the bottom of the hill. the previous sentence is my amazing segue from positive to not so great life events...:P
Work is incredibly insane. I love my job, but it is so wearing! I've been here for 13 hours today, and not got even half of what I should have done. I'm going home when I finish this though, coz I'm trying to be sensible and stuff.
My lips are still sick. It seems so trivial, but since my 2 favourite things are eating and talking, it sucks so much to have so much pain when doing them. And i miss coffee so much. I think I should cut out spicy foods next, but I don't know how i'll cope. I love my curries :(
So we've covered the good and the bad, now for the interesting.
I've been researching evolution vs creation for a youth group devotion. It hasn't really answered any of my questions so far, in fact it has been really challenging. I don't want to believe in evolution. For one thing, the whole concept repulses me. Probably just coz of how I was brought up, the idea that we evolved from monkeys makes me feel physically sick. Then, I don't really want to change my beliefs about this. I don't know why I am being so stubborn, I'm pretty open to new ideas normally. Well I think I am anyway.
And I don't even have anyone to talk to about it. Books are great, but the ones I have are so liberal, and I know people who aren't that liberal and who believe in evolution, but most people don't really care. I never used to.
It just seems to make a difference. If the definition of humanity changes, and the definition of sin changes, then wouldn't it follow that salvation would change? Maybe how I understand the world is all wrong.
I've never gotten so worked up about beliefs before. It's really horrible.
All I know is that Jesus loves me, and none of this changes that at least.

Schnitzel for your thoughts?

Just came into church to do a couple of things, and then the front office lady wanted to leave early, so I said I'd answer the phones, coz I have nothing better to do. So I figured I'd write a blog.

I haven't written one in ages because I've either been busy, too grumpy or too happy to write. Yes, my life is an emotional rollercoaster...feel sorry for my future hubby :P

So...last couple of weeks...

The Good:
- I got my 2011 diary. My friends keep paying me out, but it makes me happy and that's all that counts. I really wanted a filofax, but they are like $60 which is ridiculous. So I got an $11 one, which is perfectly sufficient, and is purple! And I've used it on several occasions already, so pfft to the scornful.
- A dress I really loved at target went from $35 to $7, so I bought it. I love it a lot :)
- I got a stripey wool hat which I call my adventure hat, because it looks like it needs to go on an adventure. I haven't decided where yet.
- Just had a few days off work at church, which was fun. Had the chance to clean up a lot of my house which was good. Lesley came down, and we did a few fun things. Watched many movies and visited the Adelaide Gaol.
- Planning for kids club is going really well. Our theme is "the great treasure hunt" and it's just been really easy to put stuff together for it.
- Got to see my little adopted nephew baby! In unfortunate circumstances, but it was nice to have a cuddle.
- We're starting a new bible study series at church tomorrow night, and I'm really looking forward to it. It's called Gospel in Life, and it's been done by Timothy Kellar. I've had a bit of a look at the workbook and it looks really good.

The Bad
- My depression is still making life pretty hard. It's just really hard to try and deal with stressful situations when it's already been a struggle to get out of bed and face the day that morning. God is with me, but it's still really hard.
- Having so much social stuff over the weekend was great, but now I'm heaps lonely. Tonight will be my first evening home alone in a week, and I'm not looking forward to it.
- I'm realising that it sucks to be a grown up :P especially when you have to be way more mature than your friends for whatever reason. I sometimes wish I had the freedom to just be a uni student and not really have that much responsibility, but I know I'm where God wants me, so I guess I'll cope!
- I've been sick, and on top of that my lip infection came back. So no caffeine, OJ, alcohol, etc 'til i get better, and I'm back on antibiotics. It's like the no fun disease, I can't eat, can't drink anything yummy, can't make out with ppl...:P 

The Interesting
- The election is coming up and I'm still not sure who to vote for.
- Last Saturday was my first time of not attending youth group this year. it went well, which I knew it would, but I still feel like I left my baby lol!
- I have been thinking a lot about pride and humility over the last few weeks. Troubling thoughts. But also somewhat positive.
- I locked myself out of my house the other night. Hilarious, because after spending half an hour breaking in, I realised the key was in my pocket all along. Not so funny coz I got really mad at my best friend :(

So, that's my life at the moment. On average, it is pretty good really :)

Small Change For Change

My church has just started a charity. It's very exciting. You can find out more about it here.
We have 2 400 empty bottles just waiting to be filled with small change, the 'shrapnel' that collects in the ashtray of your car, the bottom of your handbag, and down the back of the couch. Money we don't even notice we have. Then this money is going to be used to dig clean water wells in Africa. 100% of the profits go towards the well, our church has paid for things like the bottles and stuff.

Anyway, enough about that. Most of you know about Small Change For Change anyway.

I have been noticing over the last week, that my attitude towards the project has been changing. When I first heard about the idea, I thought it sounded great. It seemed logical, and achievable. But it was all in my head. I felt no connection to the people, no real sympathy for them.

But God has been working in my heart, and that has changed. Seeing photos and watching video footage of evidence of the dirty water crisis has broken my heart. I am praying for change, and trying to start to live for change. I don't know how that's going to go. I just know that I can't sit back anymore and think that I'm not a part of the problem, and that I can't be a part of the solution.

I'm blogging this because I want it to be somewhat public. I want to be kept accountable.

For me, Small Change For Change isn't just about change in the 2 or 3 communities that will get wells as a result of this year's efforts. It's about change in my community as well.

Today

Church tonight was hilarious. First I was on sound desk which stresses me immensely, coz i am still learning how to do it, and it's scary. But noone really cares if I make mistakes lol, so I shouldn't really stress so much.
Then we had a massive leak which started during communion. As in, the roof started leaking. I heard it first, and while I was still trying to see where it was coming from, someone noticed water trickling down the wall. Before long it had turned into a mini deluge, and we were frantically finding buckets to catch the water, and move things out of the way.
Then coz I had been concentrating for so long, all my craziness came out during supper, and i had great fun being the clown :P I was on supper, and I hadn't been able to spend ages on baking and stuff, plus I am feeling like everything I try and make is a failure, so I just made baby quiches ( so named because of their size, not ingredients) and cold rolls, and then for sweets had yoyos to ice and decorate. It was reasonably entertaining.
Then I had to blow dry the water damaged hymn books (good thing I happened to have my hair drier on me) and help clean up, which, naturally, ended with me spilling milk all through the fridge and making even more work for us.
Then we went and watched a movie, which was fun but I didn't really get what was happening. My inability to distinguish men's faces didn't help, and we'd missed the beginning so I had no chance.
Now i'm home and have run out of dvds which is pretty sad. Oh well. I'll catch up on desperate housewives online hehe.

Expectations

I always get things I don't expect. Today I thought I was going to have an awful time at a dinner thing i had, and it turned out to be quite nice. I thought I'd have a god time at church, and I got really sad halfway through, which was weird for me. Normally I'm really happy at those kinds of things. I think I just miss my family a lot, and the labelling meant I had time to think about it.
Just weird really. But the overall labelling of bottles was great, it is so exciting that small change for change is actually happening, and it is really exciting to be a part of. I'm very proud to be a part of a church which has ideas, and puts them into action. :)
I'm trying to focus on a couple of verses from Ephesians recently. "Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bonds of peace." (Ephesians 4:2-3). Last week's sermon reminded me that pride can destroy pretty much everything good, and so I am trying to not let that be the case. But then again, the more you try not to be prideful, the more you fail. So I guess I have to let Jesus in more. Hmmm. Lots to think about there.
And last week I found out about some money issues that may make what I had planned for next year an impossibility. Kinda frustrated now. I just want to do what God wants, and not worry about financial stuff, but I've been doing that for a while and it hasn't been working out too well, so I dunno. If only I didn't need so much sleep. Trying to fit in 10 hours of sleep a night makes studying on top of full time work really hard.
What a jumble of thoughts. I don't have a chair at my desk, so I'm not going to try and improve them!

Reflecting

Now for a longer post on Kids Club...

Things I learned:

Monday:
1. Don't cut the memory verse into 30 pieces. Terrible terrible idea. It took 5 leaders 10 minutes to put it back together, by which time I'd taught the kids the verse, and the visual back up was no longer needed.
2. Running on the tennis courts is never ever a good idea!
3. Ewen is really good at running games, especially since he had no warning!

Tuesday:
1. My dad's masks used for telling the story of Jairus's daughter are really not suited for me...firstly because I can't wear my glasses with them, secondly because my long hair gets in my face ridiculously.
2. Being able to step back from things and let others step up and run them is really amazing. Sally was an absolute star.
3. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Mark 9:23, everything is possible for him who believes! (actually I already knew this one, but everyone else learned it! and will possibly never get it out of their heads...)

Wednesday:
1. I can do magic tricks! Well one anyway...I was really pleased with how the bible story worked this day. One of the really little kids totally made the connection between the disappearing coin and the empty tomb, which was both cute and also encouraging.
2. Leaders meetings in the middle of Kids Club week are a bad idea. We are all too tired!
3. I'm not allowed to ask to eat the goldfish at Wok in a Box for tea. :(

Thursday:
1. 8 cups of tea in a day is too much for my bladder :P
2. Alana is going to do some amazing things in the future. Her ability to get up in front of a fairly big group was very impressive.
3. Things aren't always as they seem.

Friday:
1. I haven't grown out of my travel sickness...and my coping mechanism is still going to sleep :P
2. Baby Zebras are super cute
3. (Hopefully) without sounding vain/proud, I think I learned that I could do Kids Club fairly successfully. It's been a lot of hard work, but I think I did okay in the end.

Kids Club

Wow kids club has been so great! I am so happy with how everything has gone so far. I was a bit shaky after Mondays teaching, I felt like I'd done a fairly crap job, but I think the rest of the week went ok.
The kids have been happy, and most of the leaders seem to be as well. It's just been a really good week. I have felt really positive about the whole thing. And it's Friday tomorrow, which means I basically have nothing to worry about. Just a devotion in the morning, and a few conversations that need to happen.
Sleepy time would probably be a good idea right now I guess.

Wondering

This morning I woke up at 6 AM, to get ready for kids club. I didn't have much to do, just write a couple of notes for the leader's devotion for that morning. The day's bible story was the story of Jesus healing the ten lepers, and I was going to focus on thankfulness. you know, something along the lines of remembering to be thankful at the end of the day, even though we'll be tired and stuff.
But when I woke up, this other idea popped into my head. I assumed it was God, since I'm not typically capable of having ideas before the sun rises! I felt like I had to do something different, and when I sat down at the computer, a bunch of other stuff just poured out of my fingers. (Again, seemed like God, my ability to create anything these past few months has been seriously not there.)
I ended up saying this:

Just imagine for a minute that you have been isolated from your family, from your friends, from most of the world. You have been in pain, and the small amount of human contact you have is met with disgust and fear. And then something changes. Something happens to your life. Someone happens to your life. Suddenly, all is well again. Your friends want to be with you again, your family loves you again. People on the street are high fiving you, and inviting you to parties.

If you could, wouldn’t you want to say thank you to the person who had brought about this change?

It’s easy for us to say yes, and to judge those 9 other men in the story. But how often has our response been the same? How often have you not thanked God for healing or blessing in your life? I know for me, that is almost every day.

We get busy, we get tired, or we simply don’t recognise what he has done. Or we take it for granted. Jesus died on the cross. So what? That was thousands of years ago. I’ve got my own life, my own problems to deal with, I just don’t feel like saying thanks right now.

But when someone gives you a gift, you probably want to accept it. And part of accepting a gift, is saying thanks. I mean, you can just take it and run, but to me that sounds like a 16 year old kid who gets given a car for his birthday. “Oh great” he thinks, and drives off. Except, if he’d taken a minute to say thanks to his parents, he would have heard them say “and we’ll teach you to drive”.  Which would have helped him avoid the accident between his car and the letterbox.

The memory verse today is “God wants everyone to be saved, and to know the whole truth.” (1 Timothy 2:4). That means the kids who come here today, and each of us in this room. And the truth is that Jesus Christ came to earth, and gave himself as a ransom for us, as the next couple of verses in 1 Timothy say.

Without Jesus, we all have a kind of leprosy. I mean our skin isn’t really infected, but our life is. Just think about your life. Think about the arguments you have had, the terrible things you have seen. Think about the people who have hurt you. Think about the people you have hurt. Life isn’t the way it is supposed to be. You can feel that inside you.

And it’s all because of sin. Because we are no longer fully connected to God. What was once a perfect relationship, in a perfect world is now ruined. It’s pretty crappy really.

However, we have the chance to get right with God. Just like Jesus healed the ten lepers, he has healed the world...almost 2000 years before Michael Jackson asked for it...

Jesus did this for everyone, whether they wanted it or not. Dying on the cross was universal. But because he is loving and just, and gave us free will, we don’t have to accept his gift. Some people are like the 9 other lepers, who take Jesus gift, but don’t really bother to accept it properly. They don’t say thanks, and so they miss out on what the fullness of their healing is.

Jesus loves everyone, but not everyone responds.

This is our theme today, and as we present this message to the children, I think we should ask ourselves where we sit with God. Have we accepted his gift of spiritual healing, and entered into a relationship with him? Do we thank him continually for what he has done? If your answer is no, then please, take some time to consider accepting Jesus’ gift.

Kinda lame, but hey, give me a break, I was writing it at 7AM...
I just can't figure out why God wanted me to say that. And I'll probably never know. Which is OK, but being the cat that curiosity has tried to assassinate on many occasions, I just want to know. I mean I won't even know if it was really God, or just my crazy, befuddled, early morning brain.

Don't read this, coz it's dismal.

I feel so helpless. Not having a car I can drive safely (although I'm gonna drive it tomorrow, long story) is really horrible. I hate having to ask people for lifts, I hate that I can't go anywhere. I hate that people know about it and are trying to help. Well, no I don't hate that, I just don't want to have to be helped. I want to be able to fix my own problems more. I'm just so sick of everything going wrong. I just want some control over my life. I'm sick of being sick, and of going weeks without a hug. I'm sick of being the stupid one also. I'm sick of my work never being good enough for anyone. I really try hard, I try and try and try, but I'll just never be up to scratch. 

Back to the car...I don't get why everything crappy has to happen to me all at once. I hate the life I'm living. I hate that someone else seems to be in control of everything that happens. I know that God is in total control, and won't let anything happen to me more than I can handle, but I am scared of what's gonna be thrown at me next. What if everything just always gets worse? What if it never gets better? What if I never have a proper night's sleep again, or a depression free day? 

I used to have a way I could deal with this kind of stuff. It didn't improve anything, and I'm not about to start again, but it was something that made me in control, and took away the stress, and I want something like that again. Only a healthy method. Or hey, a hug. 

That's one huge thing I miss about being around babies all the time. Babies can always give you a hug. Except if they're asleep. 

I just want life to go away. No I don't really, I'm just tired and emotional, but I do want things to settle down. It's hard to not stress when bad stuff happens. I mean I know the flowers in the field and the birds are all good, and I'm trying to trust God, but it's so hard. 

Pollyanna Attempt

I have too many things that are making me sad at the moment. Work is sucky, I can't stand to be at home, and I have just come to the conclusion that no one will ever want to date me.
And I am so sick of being sick. I've been sick all this term. It's horrible. Not to mention my mental stability is...unstable.
I was trying to be positive, and write a positive blog to cheer myself up, but I just don't feel up to it. What I want is a hug, and then to just watch a movie with someone. I don't want to talk. I'm tired of talking, I'm tired of trying. I just want to feel safe.
Not that I'd turn down a conversation though. Anything to make me feel sane would be nice really.
I know I have friends I could talk to, but I don't want advice. Hence the blogging. I'll be OK, I always get out of these places eventually. Just sucks while I'm here.

Planning my wedding.

Transport - I am going to fetch a pumpkin from the garden, and hope that my fairy godmother ( I assume I have one of these, since I don't have a human one) will turn it into a carriage for me. Oh and i suppose I need 6 white mice?

Flowers - self raising.

Bridesmaids - well, I want pink dresses, so basically my three friends who look best in pink. i'll probably just go look through some facebook photos and see who has the most appropriate colouring. Also, no red heads. Or blondes, coz blondes are prettier than me, so if you're desperate for this role, better dye your hair.

Dress - Well, i'm only gonna wear it once, so maybe one of those disposable paper ones? 

Music - I know a great recorder ensemble who i can get for cheap. 

Location - somewhere with a pool. I'm hoping that i trip and fall in while someone is taping it, so that it can make Funniest Home Videos. I should maybe rethink the paper dress idea though.

Groom - Again with the facebook browsing... I'll just see who looks best in a suit. Or just anyone who has a suit already, I don't want to spend money on another one.

Joshua 1:5

"Panorama" or "Joshua 1:5" - by Rosalie c. 2007

I was a perfect girl,
In control of my world,
At home at work at school,
It was totally cool,
Life was no big drama,
Just a panorama,
Of smiles of fun of friendship
'Til i started to slip.

And now my hopes are falling,
My life is stalling
My writing's scrawling
As I write I'm bawling
So away I'm crawling
My burden hauling.
I can't bear this shame,
I can't take this pain.

Then suddenly life it got tougher,
My storms they grew rougher
at home at work at school
I feel like a fool.
Life was one huge drama
Just a panorama
Of hurt of pain of shame
Is this the end of the game.

And now my hopes are falling, 

My life is stalling

My writing's scrawling

As I write I'm bawling

So away I'm crawling

My burden hauling,

I can't bear this shame, 

I can't take this pain.

Is this just adolescence?

Why can't I feel your presence?

Jesus why have you deserted me, 

To struggle trying to break free?

I will never leave you or forsake you, declares the Lord...(repeats about a hundred times)

Well now I think I understand

I let go of your hand

I let go of your hand

I ran I slipped I fell

Stuffed my life as well.

But you never left my side

You did not hide

You loved you watched you waited 

Til I took the hand you offered.

And though my hopes are falling

And my life is stalling

My writing's still scrawling

And I might be bawling

To you I'm crawling

My burden hauling

You can take my shame

And heal my pain...

---

I wrote this song several years ago. It's not a particularly good song, but I like to listen to it occasionally to remind me of a few things.

First, I don't want to ever been in a position again where I am pushing God and others away. I have to be willing to accept love if I hope to be able to give it. I'm pretty good with this one really, but it's good to remember. :)

Second, hard times are a part of life. They will be worse at some points than others. I've been as low as being suicidal, but I've also had the most amazingly happy moments ever. Like seeing my precious baby sister for the first time. So yeah, things are really tough right now, but they won't always be.

Thirdly, God has promised me, as he has promised all his children, that he will never leave me or forsake me, like Joshua 1:5 says. Knowing that God is with me through this and all hard times, is the most important thing I know. 

I hope that when I am old and have dementia, that this is the last thing I forget.

Ephesians 4:29

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about how we use our voices. 

There is a lady I know, who always seems to be using her voice for good. No matter how I feel, after talking to her I always feel better. On days when I fell like the ugliest girl in the world, she tells me I am beautiful, and when I feel like quitting, without knowing it, she says just the right words to make me feel OK again. 

I've never heard her gossip, or badmouth someone behind their back. She just gives love to everyone, regardless of who they are, or what they deserve. 

I want to be more like her. 

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. - Ephesians 4:29

Words like Knives

Feeling annoyed and hopeless and sad right now. Can totally understand why people turn to alcohol and drugs. Not that I'd do that, just saying.

Whatever you do! Don't!

Before i crashed my car, I was in love with this song. I listened to it about a million times. 

Then we took the CD player out of my car without pressing eject first, and so I lost my Shania Twain CD. 

Just came on I tunes, and gosh I love it hehe. 

Haven't we all felt like this sometimes?

She has some fabulous lyrics :P






Deep in Denialville
Tryin' a' fight the way I feel
I go jello when you smile
I start blushin'-my head rushin'

If you stand too close to me
I might melt down from the heat
If ya' look my way one more time
I'm gonna go out of my mind
Whatever you do...

Don't even think about it!
Don't go and get me started!
Don't you dare drive me crazy!
Don't do that to me baby!

You stop me in my tracks
My heart pumpin' to the max
I'm such a sucker for your eyes
They permanently paralyze
Whatever you do...

Don't even think about it!
Don't go and get me started!
Don't you dare drive me crazy!
Don't do that to me baby!

(Whatever you do, don't do that to me)
You got my heart under attack
You give me shivers down my back
D'ya have to walk the way you do?
I get weak just watchin' you
Whatever you do...

Don't even think about it!
Don't go and get me started!
Don't you dare drive me crazy!
Don't do that to me baby!

Don't do that-don't do that 

New Blog

http://searchingforthewillofjc.blogspot.com/

Just in case anyone wants to read it. Beware, it's pretty boring.

Friday Nights

I keep promising myself that I'll stop complaining on my blog...but just quickly, I HATE friday nights.
Realistically, I'm too tired to do any work. And I'm not rally much of a partyer/clubber/whatever it is that young people are supposed to do on Friday Nights.
It just gets a bit dull and lonely.
Apparently the most common day to commit suicide is a Tuesday. No idea how true that is. But I love Tuesdays. I get to go to Kindy, and it's my day that I teach lots of piano on. Then in the evening I usually cook or clean or watch a movie. Fun. Tuesdays are supposed to be alone nights. And they are the day before Bible study, and I love Bible study.
Saturday nights is youth, always fun; and Sundays is church, which is also great. That just leaves Monday, my sleeping/meeting night, and Thursday, late night shopping/I need a break by that stage in the week.
Friday day is always good, It's my whole day at Malvern, and I generally get a lot done.
It's just Friday night that's a problem.
All I'm saying, is that if anyone happened to know of a stamp collecting club that met on Friday nights...let me know. :P

The Dress I Made

The Dress...

Up Close. I don't look so pregnant in this one lol...

They took this gorgeous photo of my brother at the same time. Isn't he adorable?

A New Hobby

A happy blog today :)
So, I've discovered a new hobby. Actually I really discovered it years ago I suppose, But it wasn't until today that I realised how much I really like it.
What is it? Dressmaking.
I know that is a weird interest for a 20 year old. But it suits me perfectly. My perfectionistic side can be fulfilled, as I press seams, measure, unpick and resew and everything else. But unlike other things which allow me to fuss, this gives me a chance to be creative.
I'm not good at creative stuff. I can't paint or draw, I can't even arrange my farmville to look nice :P My scrap-booking attempts haven't improved since I was 10. But sewing gives me a chance to design things that actually end up looking pretty good.
Making clothes also means that I have a hobby I do not need to feel guilty about. I obviously need to wear clothes, and making a dress from an old valance saves me money!
When I fix my camera, I will put some photos on here of my dress I made today :) It is orange and pink and brown and blue and green and yellow and has flowers all over it. It is happy and hippy.
And it is long down to the floor, and has cute little sleeves that I am very proud of. :D
I bought a dress today as well, from the op shop. It's also long down to the floor, and is blue and white, and has lace. It is Laura Ashley, which is apparently a really expensive brand, and the dress was $2.50. Then again, we think the dress is probably from the 70s. It is made of beautiful quality cotton, and is cut so gorgeously.
I am going to start wearing more of the clothes I like, and less of the clothes that blend in. Because I really don't care what people think, and I want to be happy with what I wear :)
So here's to long, old-fashioned dresses. :D

Why Can't I Turn Off The Worry? I Blame Technology.

Don't get me wrong. I love facebook, twitter, the internet in general. I love my phone, couldn't live without my friends being a 11 cent, 160 character message away.
But it does make it more challenging to relax. I keep coming up with new things to stress about, and many of them are because of things I've read on facebook, or whatever.
However, on the flip side, it does mean that I am able to relieve some stress by fixing problems on the internet/phone.
Part of me doesn't want to go back at the end of the week. Life is just going to go back to being stressful and awful. My house will still be revoulting. I will get home at the end of the day and feel just the same. Work will take up every waking moment. Friends will make me feel guilty for working, work will make me feel guilty for having friends. And i'll be strong and get through it like always, with the occasional melt down.
Part of me thinks that maybe I can change the way things are, and make life better.
We'll give that second part more of a chance to talk, shall we? And ignore the worry as much as possible :)

Kid's Club

So this week was really exciting.
Lots of hard work paid off :)
It is very tiring. We need to be more mindful of keeping ourselves safe and healthy I think.
I was excited to see so many kids, and even more excited to see them having so much safe fun, and even more excited to see nearly all of them interacting with the stories and learning the memory verses.
If there was one thing I could do in the world, it would be to teach kids to memorise parts of the bible. It is just invaluable to have God's words ingrained in our minds.
Such a good good week.
Looking forward to holidays though. A whole week with no church drama to worry about :D

Children and the Lord's Supper

On Holy Sunday this year, the children at my church were allowed to participate in Communion. This doesn't usually happen, and I was extremely happy. Much as I love my church, I really disagree with many of our childrens ministry practices. It is not that children are specifically not allowed to take part in communion, but that the structure of our Sunday morning service means they are not able to.
Mentioning this in an after church chat revealed that not everyone agrees with me (shock horror), which, of course has resulted in me musing, and finally deciding to blog about it. :)

What I believe: Children are a part of Jesus' church, and therefore shouldn't be excluded from any aspect of communal worship. They should be allowed to have full participation in the sacraments. My understanding is that there are two sacraments, Holy Communion and Baptism.
(Side note: I do not believe in infant baptism, although I think it is OK if others want to do it, I won't be baptising my kids as babies. What I am referring to here is children making the decision to be baptised. For example I was baptised when I was about 7 or 8, because I wanted to make that commitment to God.)

Why I believe this: I guess I have a few different perspectives on this.

On a personal level, I took communion as a child, and it was a hugely significant part of my faith journey. My earliest memory of church is being given communion, and mum or dad (I assume) saying 'this is the special juice/bread that reminds us how much Jesus loves us'. The reason I am a Christian today is because faith was such an integral part of my life as a child. I have always known that God loves me, because I was told that. The transition between believing because I trusted my parents and believing because I had experienced this love myself was seamless. There were no classes I had to go through, or steps I had to take before I could be fully a part of God's family. I was born there, and stayed there my whole life thus far. My family's attitude towards communion was very important in this journey.

When I read the bible, I cannot find anywhere where children are forbidden from taking part in communion.
I do find Jesus saying "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14). I know that this is not referring to communion, but it makes me think that if the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to them, then surely we shouldn't be holding them back from participating in any part of it?
1 Corinthians 11:17-34 deals with abuse of the Lord's Supper. Many people use this to back up their claims that children should not be involved in Communion. Basically they say that children are too young too understand exactly what communion signifies, and are therefore unworthy of taking it. I would argue that none of us can fully understand salvation, and are continuously growing in our understanding of it.

*spends 20 minutes googling for articles against children taking part in communion so she has something to argue against. fails*

OK, so can people who disagree please post why, coz I really don't understand why people believe kids shouldn't be involved in Communion.

I do want to have a better understanding of this. Maybe I am wrong. I have been wrong once or twice before...

annoyance

Right now I'm sitting at church, hoping that inspiration will come. I have bible stories to prepare, a memory verse to make up, and skits to locate. Plus activities for the older kids. So much to do, and my brain has decided to take the day off. Or week. or month. I get that I am stressed, but it is terribly inconvenient of me to shut down at this particular point in life. My body just doesn't seem to understand bargains. If it just gets through the next 7 days, it can have a break. and I have promised it that next term will be better.
But no, it's throwing a tantrum and refusing to cooperate now.
Someone kill me.
Not literally.
doesn't help that I left my bible at home. I work best with my own bible lol.
I think the problem is that kids club, while it should be the only thing on my mind, isn't. there are too many other distracting things going on in my mind atm. Money, boys (lol or just boy :P), the Period of Discernment, study, youth group, GIG, chaplaincy, and certain kids I know.
So to help get them off my mind...I'll ramble here...
Money - I am so behind in rent and everything. I don't understand where my money goes. mainly on food I think. I know I shouldn't ever buy food, but the hours I've been working recently just mean I have no time to cook. Not to mention my stupid depressed side that comes out when I'm home alone. The side that makes it hard for me to even move my body, let alone clean or cook. And then sometimes I think I just give up in despair that the money will ever be ok, which is when i make stupid purchases like my shoes. I mean I need them, just probably not as much as I need to pay my car rego. Since, as mum pointed out, I really can't afford to lose my license or get a criminal record. Really I can't afford to have a car, but I can't afford not to either. I do need a car, for my piano students. Not to mention my life is far too busy as it is, i wouldn't have time to catch the bus everywhere.
All I can hope is that next term will be better, coz I'll have more piano students, and hopefully won't be paying tax on my church income. Which will maybe also mean that I'll be back on a healthcare card.
Speaking of healthcare, I find it highly annoying that glasses aren't covered. I'm pretty sure I need new glasses, I've been squinting a lot, but I'm far too scared to go to the optometrist, coz there is no way I can afford new glasses this year. I can't even afford contacts, which I hate so so much. Glasses not only look gross, they are uncomfortable, and I can't see as well as with contacts. It annoys me greatly that I have to pay to be able to see and to be able to breathe. One of the things I really struggle to not be angry at God about. I know that's silly.
Boy - Not gonna talk about this. Coz it really is silly. I know 10 year olds who are more mature about their crushes than I am :P Suffice to say that it is a distraction, that while generally pleasant, can also be very annoying at times. Not the person, I don't often find him annoying. :P
The Period of Discernment - Someone I have a lot of respect for recently told me that I'm too young to be a minister. Even when I said I'll be at least 27 before I finish my degree if I decide I want to be a UC minister, he still seemed disapproving. I know it doesn't matter what one person says, but what God says, the problem is I really don't know what God is saying. I think he's calling me to full time church-based ministry, but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what that might be. I guess a minister. But I don't know. I feel like it's a bad time of life to be making big decisions like this. Very frustrating.
Study - I have only one subject, but the enrollment people at uniting College suck, so I've only just got what I need to start it. Which means I'm really really behind. So my lovely relaxing holiday will now be completely filled with Study :(
Youth Group - So much to worry about here. At least the kids are great, and our leaders are starting to work a bit better together. :)
GIG - I really want this to work properly. Hoping that a 7 week study on sex helps :D
Chaplaincy - I don't think I want to be a cpsw anymore. It's just not working for me very well. I dunno. Another decision that I don't really want to be on my mind at the moment.
Kids - There are so many heartbreaking stories I know of. This is why I shouldn't be a counselor or anything. I worry about them all so much. The 5 year old who saw her dad beat her mum up and shove her in the boot of the family car. She has such a beautiful smile, and is delightful to talk to, but I just want to cry knowing what she has seen so far in life. The 12 year old who only feels safe when in hospital. The dozens of kids whose parents are splitting up, many of them using their children as ammunition. These kids occupy all my thoughts, and come up in my dreams. I pray so much that God will look after them, and usually that helps to take my worries away, at least overnight, but just not at the moment.

*sigh* well that feels a little better, Back to work now. :P

*to be read with a pinch of salt*

I hate that i have a life outside of work. things would really be a lot easier if i had no friends or family. and crushes, what a stupid waste of thought time. i'm sure there is a lot more i could do without that taking up brainspace. oh, and money. see, if i wasn't so insistent on buying food and stuff, then i wouldn't have to worry about money. more brainspace to use at work. i love my job, and it frustrates me a good deal that i can't do it properly.
if i had no desires, i'd be a much better youth pastor.

My walk

I went for a walk yesterday. It made me so happy, I have no idea why.
I went to Belair National Park, got lost, hot, gross, dirty and ridiculously destressed. Could have been the endorphins i undoubtedly released, could have been the time away from life, could have been the bible reading.
Which brings me to another point. I have started a Bible Gateway reading plan. Quite exciting. At the moment I am reading Joshua, and Luke. I'd forgotten how amazing the Old Testament stories are. My God performs miracles. It's just amazing.
I'm trying to read a psalm a day also, as well as reading other stuff as I can. But the reading plan at least means i get a little bit every day.
I'm looking forward to trying to care more for myself, physically and spiritually in the next little while. I don't have time for a nervous breakdown!
Now I am going to go for another little walk.

numbers

numbers suck. that's all i want to say.
i know i shouldn't base the success of things on numbers, but when they fall, it seems to be a good indication.
so when i'm done killing the youth ministry here, i'll become a full time blogger. yay for me. i freaking suck.

the love of my life...

When I cook, I feel like I am in control. Cooking is the only thing I am really successful at, which is why failure at cooking gets me so down.
Once I put my apron on, I feel safe. I'm happy. There is nothing I like more than cooking for other people. I love the planning, and the shopping, and then putting it all together. I love serving it, and making it look pretty. I like eating it too :P
I especially love challenges, like fussy eaters, or food for diabetics or people with allergies, or cooking on a budget.
Sometimes I think that the only reason I want kids is to have someone to eat the food I make. I'm sure that's not really the case...
I do wish people would stop worrying about food stressing me though. It really won't. The only time it stresses me is if I run out of time, and that doesn't happen anymore, not now I have no life :P
Yes I talk extra fast, and I get bossy when I am in the kitchen - that's just coz i am enjoying myself. And major malfunctions like, i dunno, my oven freaking breaking, yeah they will stress me. But I think that's fairly understandable.
So, yes, this was a very random blog. Not exactly sure what the point was...hmmm...oh, invite yourself to tea at my place anytime :) Anyone. well not if you are a crazy murderer. But I will send you food if you are a CM. I have a wonderful recipe for chocolate chip and pecan biscuits. Scrumptious. And I am pretty sure they will post well. :D

happy

I can't explain why, but I'm just so happy these days. I shouldn't be. i'm so stressed about both jobs, and my piano students are being painful and I have no social life, but none of those things matter very much. Right now all the little things just make me smile.
It's so bizarre, and completely out of the blue. And i have energy again! I don't know where from. But I am wanting to get up in the morning, and a day at work doesn't exhaust me like it used to.
It's very exciting. I can go back to cooking fun stuff for my tea i think :)
maybe it's coz i started reading the bible again. in that case i don't want to stop!

grrr

I'm sick of money controlling my life all the freaking time.
I am currently about $3000 short of paying all the bills this week. That's ridiculous.
One of them is really serious, and could result in something hugely bad happening. Wait, all of them are.

I know I'm crazy, but...

I just don't see any point in life without Jesus. I really don't think that there is hope without him. I get into trouble for saying this. coz yeah, basically I am saying that there isn't a whole lot of point to things like counsellors and stuff. I mean they are good things, and in any profession, a person can show Jesus unconditional love through their actions. But how can you offer hope to a person without telling them about Jesus?
Maybe I am just a bible bashing OTT crazy lady. But I guess it's just that I know what Jesus has done for me, and I really want everyone to have that. It's not about getting to heaven even. If that's all salvation is, I'd just hang out at Resthaven, and work on converting people on their deathbeds. I certainly wouldn't waste my time in youth ministry with kids who would more than likely reject their faith and need to be reconnected to it later in life.
One of my jobs is heartbreaking, because I can't tell kids about Jesus when I want to. When kids come to me, and tell me about abuse, or friendship problems, or how they hate themselves, I just want to tell them about the only person (well 3 of them, but I might leave that out initially :P) who completely and utterly loves them. How God can provide hope in even the lowest of places. To have to tell them that they should use positive self talk, and stress relieving exercises just sucks. Sure these things are good, but alone, they will never heal that child. Only Jesus can do that.
I guess this is why I am so excited to be in a role where I can freely tell people about Jesus. And why it is so hard for me to do anything else. Because when it comes down to it, fun isn't going to bring about salvation. Fun can provide a great medium to tell people about Jesus, and of course it is hugely important. But to me, telling kids clearly and explicitly about Jesus is way more important.

The funny things kids say

I love working with children. They are ridiculously awesome.

The other day, a kid asked me how they tell if kangaroos are boys or girls. That was a fun conversation. Sex ed is not the chaplain's job!

Today in one of the classes I work in, the teacher was talking about assembly. She held up a photo of the principal, 'Now does any one know what Mr Stokes does?" she asked. One kid said "Well when the tap broked he came and made it not broked." I'm sure Mr Stokes would be flattered.

I might randomly add to this. kids are great.

Duty

Today I was helping in a year 1/2 class. 6 and 7 year olds, such an adorable stage. One of the little girls was quite excited to see that I was wearing the same white and pink dunlop volleys as she was. Then she noticed that she couldn't see my laces. I tuck the bow and the straggly bits under the toe of the shoe, to make it nice and tidy you know. So I showed her what I had done,and thought nothing of it. A minute later, I looked over to see her and her friends doing the same thing to their sneakers.
It highlighted to me the influence you can have on a child. This was something small, just a minor fashion choice. But who is to say that we can't influence children for the better in the important things? Or alternatively, influence them for the worse?
There is a superchic[k] song that I love.
This is the last verse:

No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn't know he's the leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he's made
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it's his right
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life

I think this is so true. Anyone who is an older sibling, or has led a youth group, or whatever, will have seen children imitate what they do. From the simple act of tying their shoelaces differently, to manner of speech, to the really huge things, kids will imitate us.
I know a lot of people are aware of this, and will avoid, say, smoking in front of kids, because they don't want them to pick up that habit. But I would argue that their are many harmful behaviours that we as adults participate in, right in front of the children we try so hard to protect.
For example, look at how you talk about yourself in front of children. How often do you put yourself down, or tell the child that you are terrible at something. I notice this particularly with drawing, and with sport. Comments along the lines of 'Now I'm a terrible drawer, but you guys are all so much better' are condescending to the child. Just because they are five, doesn't mean they can't tell that an adult's stick figure is still better than theirs. To hear the adult say that they are terrible, automatically tells the child that they are even worse.
And then we turn around, and try to tell the child that they are special, and should use positive self talk.
I'm not saying we should lie, or act like we are always happy around children. But surely we can all try and practice what we preach.

Hunger + Rosalie = strangeness

Making custard over a stove is a particularly difficult task. I mean the beginning is easy. You mix up a lovely concoction of custard powder, sugar, milk and egg. You whisk it. Then you put it on the stove. The issue here is that you have to stir it constantly until it is cooked. If you leave it for even a second, you run the risk of it sticking on the bottom and burning. You have to monitor the temperature also, to make sure it is not gonna stick even with the stirring. Sometimes making a litre of custard can take almost an hour.
You can get the same delicious result using a microwave. Here, the process is much simpler. You mix the ingredients as usual, in a glass bowl, and then microwave on high, stirring every couple of minutes until it is cooked. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
There are some things in my life I wish I had a microwave for right now. Not a literal microwave (although one of them would be nice). Just some way of simplifying the process.

Panic

It can be the littlest thing. A simple mistake. A forgotten task. A missing piece of clothing. A comment. An accidental slip up that annoys a friend.

And then the world starts to spin. My chest gets tight, my throat constricts and I can't breathe. Uncontrollable shaking takes over. If I am driving I have to pull over. If I am in public, I have to excuse myself. I gasp, I feel like I am drowning. My hands start to feel numb. My mind gets stuck in a rut.

And then the tears come. And the hair pulling. I try and get as much air into my chest as I possibly can. I try and calm down. Eventually something works. I can fix my face, and enter the world again.

Waiting. Always, alway waiting, and fearing the next one.

crushes

Having a crush sucks.

Especially when it is someone who is out of your league/ would never notice you even if that wasn't the case.

Trying to get over a crush is hard. Blogging/thinking/talking about it is probably the least helpful thing you can do. But oh well.

I remember my first crush. I think I was in reception. I had lots of crushes in reception. I had a boyfriend in year one. Until we had a fight over a pair of scissors, and I got sent to the principal's office. Then there was a boy who I had a crush on, and so I followed him around all the time. To the extent that he walked around in circles in the middle of the oval with me 10 cm behind him.

It also sucks when someone has a crush on you, and you don't return the feeling. When i was about 13, I was in a play. This guy called John used to always come and sit with me, and try and touch me as often as possible and stuff. He was like 17 so I found it kind of creepy. Was glad when dress rehearsals started and I could hide in the girl's change room.

But on the whole, crushes were easier when I was younger. If you liked a guy, you flirted via text. If you wanted to get rid of a guy, you texted him. Or got a friend to do that.

Can't really do that anymore.

Also, as a teenager, you weren't as careful as you have to be now. So what if you caused a major drama? Everyone did that, on a regular basis. And then all your friends would choose sides, and fight for a few days, until making up, and it all being good again. Being a young adult make life a whole lot more serious. You don't tell a guy you like them, because it might make things awkward. Causing a drama could be disastrous.

I don't understand how anyone manages to get together with people. There are just too many things to worry about.

This is why I will always be single :P

And why I would like some parts of my mind to be erased.

Ridiculous thoughts at 2 AM

I over react to things too much. I really try to be laid back. But isn't that almost an oxymoron? I try and stay calm. But the most little thing can trigger all kinds of bizarre reactions. I cry so freaking much. I think I have cried every day that I have worked at church so far. Who knows why. I love that job. Fridays and Mondays are my favourite days, the days I don't have to drag myself out of bed in the morning. Then I will stress out at the littlest things.

It must be incredibly frustrating to be my friend, or even to be in the same room as me. Like poor Mark the other, having me completely lose it because I thought the chile was burnt. Why can't I just be calmer?

I hate it that I attention seek so much. Without even intending to, I find myself trying to be funny, or weird, or anything, just to get people to notice me. I really don't even want to. Although one could argue that blogging in itself is attention seeking.

It's ridiculous.

And I am so sick of it. I feel like it takes over my life sometimes. I get so stressed, and I am sick of the panic attacks, and the headaches, and the stomach problems, and everything else.

But I worry you know. Just say, I was to lose this. would I still be the same person? Would I be any use at all if I wasn't this OTT? You can see from the state of my house (the place I crash every night) that without stress and panic, I have no motivation. When I was majorly depressed, my room was perfect. My life was as under control as I could possibly make it. I feel as if the better I get, the less like me I get. Being messy isn't me. I hate it. I can't stand being at home, because it is where I am messy.

What scares me even more, is that if I don't feel sad all the time, if I just feel normal, then will things be able to make me feel as happy as they do now? Being happy after being so sad, I love the contrast. I don't know if it is the same any other way. I can't remember.

Yes, I want to keep on getting better, but I just get so scared sometimes that better is actually worse.

I do want to get better, I know I do. It's just sometimes that I feel like this. Just a little worry at the back of my mind.

I know that Jesus loves me, and that he wants me better. So I guess I just have to trust that with him, better truly will be better.

Another story.

Once upon a time, there was a fairy princess. She met a Pixie Prince. She liked the prince, but he never realised she existed. Then, accidentally, she got old, and died. Fairies get very old.

I should absolutely write children's books

There was a mouse and a spider. They were friends. One day, the mouse came up with a plan.

'Come on spidie,' he said,'lets rid the world of shoes. Shoes kick us, and squash us.'

But Spidie disagreed. 'No, that's boring. I would rather stay at home and watch the telly.'

Mouse tried his hardest, but Spidie thwarted his every plan.

In the end, Mouse was impaled on a stiletto, and an ugg boot flattened Spidie. It was very sad.

And people everywhere went about their business, stepping on small creatures.

practicing atheism

I am reading an excellent book. Well excellent so far.
One thing it said, I thought was fantastic. But also incredibly challenging.
Kenda Creasy Dean was talking about how our theological beliefs affect our lives. She says that she ( and I would agree with her) has one theology which she believes, and one which she practices. She lives like a 'theological schizophrenic'.

I love this quote. It says so much to me about the way I do things.

'Christians preach a God who is (thankfully) bigger than we are, and as a result our lives and our ministries always fall miserably short. This is human and inevitable; but it is always redeemable. Unless those of us in youth ministry learn to approach our calling as a theological enterprise, asking ourselves why we pastor youth in the ways that we do, we risk turning youth ministry into a giant Saturday Night Live skit:

What we say: "God sent Jesus to save the world!"
What we think: "I must save this young person from self-destructing."

What we say: "God is in control!"
What we think: "They can't run this program without me."

What we say: "Jesus loves us unconditionally."
What we think: "I can't tell them what I think or they won't like me."

What we say: "With God, nothing is impossible."
What we think: "I feel like I'm drowning in youth ministry."

Put simply, theological reflection keeps the practice of youth ministry focused on God instead of on us. It makes possible radical congruency between what we say we believe and how we conduct our lives. Without intentional theological reflection in our ministries with young people, we will all be living like atheists in no time.'

I personally think this relates to a lot more than just youth ministry. One of the things that I love about Christianity, is that it has no limits. But I have time limits now, so I may blog more on that later...

Old journal entries

Just found some old diary pages I'd written sometime.

8/7/06
...How much longer will I be hoping to die accidentally simply because I don't really know how I could kill myself?...What if I go back to hurting myself God?I guess you still love me, but could anyone else?...
Just quoted that because I am so glad life is better now. Sure, I still struggle with that stuff every day, but it is not as consuming as it was back then. But that took a long long time to get past. Gives me hope that this too will pass, and that one day I will be able to be happy.

24/07/06
"I am the light of the world. The person who follows me will never live in darkness but will have the light that gives life." - Jesus, John 8:12

I follow you Jesus,
Let me see your light.
It's so hard today,
Show me the way.
It feels dark in here
But your word tells me
That your light is here
To give me some life.

Weird that in all that, I could write something like this. Also kinda weird that I said I could feel darkness. Since that would presumably usually be a visual thing. Wonder what I meant. I have absolutely no recollection of these pages. I found them inside a psychology text book. They are my handwriting though lol.

My Beautiful Family

I love them so much. Really I do.

Little Nicky was so cute today. He saw me before anyone else, and I swear he recognized me. His face is nearly better now from where he fell, but i think he'll always have a little scar. He had so much fun at the beach, and was so surprised every time a wave came up to him. Then he ate sand, and put shells in his mouth. A girl sitting nearby came up and told us he was doing it, she must have thought we were very neglectful. If she'd had 8 kids, she wouldn't worry about sand lol.

Evie is the most darling little girl. She is getting to the age now where she can have quite grown up conversations, and will remember things from one visit to the next. She is still scared of cats, but she is being so brave about it hehe. She keeps asking where Elley is, because she is scared she will take her dollies away in the night. And she is so clever. She is so good at spelling, and trying to read, and counting, and she isn't even 4 yet. She will be a genius or something.

Davie is just awesome. The kids buried him in the sand, and he cracked himself up when he farted. He wanted to know if we could smell it through all the sand.

I miss my JoeJoe so much. He was my baby. No, not literally, I have no deep dark secrets that big. But I looked after him like all the time. He would just sleep in my arms for hours and hours. I miss having a baby to cuddle whenever I want.

Clancy is getting so grown up. It's his birthday on Monday, I am so mad at myself because I forgot to get his present, and now i'm broke as. Wish I knew when I was getting paid.

Ruby is just starting to talk to me again. She pretty much hated me I reckon for years. But not really, because she still copied everything I did. But now we like the same music and stuff so it's cool. She is so much of a better pianist than me, I'm so jealous.

And my baby brother Tim has officially left home! That is so scary! I hate that we are growing up, and scattering. I want us to be little kids again. course then we didn't have half of them, but whatever.

I love them. :)

Creation v. Evolution - my annoyance

Just remembered something else I want to blog about.

See apparently it's ridiculous that I believe in Creation, and not in homosexuality being wrong. Which annoys me.

First point: Why do we have to fit into categories anyway? Like why do I have to either be completely literal, or completely liberal?

Second point: Why Why Why can't you evolutionist Christians accept my beliefs the way I accept yours? Why do you have to continually make me feel like I am stupid for believing what I believe? Why won't you even stop to think, for just a second, that I do not believe this blindly? That I have spent years now looking at the facts, looking at science, and evaluating what I believe based on that?

Third point: Really why does it matter? Are my beliefs really that much of an embarrassment to the church, as one blogger said, many moons ago? (not specifically about me lol). Do we really need to all believe in evolution, so that the secular world will stop ridiculing us? Can I just say that the creation/evolution question is not the most ridiculous thing about Christianity...Hello, we believe that some guy gave up his life to save people, and that he came back to life. Harry potter much? Not to mention loving our enemies...

Fourth point: If evolution is so obviously right, why can nobody answer my questions about how it fits in with Christian theology? Like when did humanity start, when did sin start? Was there ever a perfect world? Was there death before sin?

I don't know, it seems like we try and find the easiest answer for other issues, and Creation seems much more logical to me.

Fifth point: how is creation and homosexuality related at all?

Sixth point: I don't even know what I think about homosexuality. Or creation really. Or anything. I guess it's because I am acknowledging that I don't know everything, that makes me a liberal. Who knows?

In conclusion: I don't really care that much about this. I am not angry, as I may sound :P

But I do think that we need to learn to take the other point of view more seriously. Just because we don't agree, doesn't mean they're stupid.

A ramble that made so much more sense in my head. Now it just seems like what everyone else says.

I hate people who make me think. No actually I don't, but still.

Someone said something to me the other day, and I didn't know whether to be offended or not. I chose not, 'coz I don't get offended easily, plus I don't think he would have been trying to offend me anyway. Anyway, we were talking, and I was paying out those books on how to be the perfect woman (basically do everything your husband says, have lots of babies, and learn how to cook and sew). I think they're silly. Anyway, he said something along the lines of'how can you pay that out so much, when you live out that life yourself?'

Apparently all my crazy talk about wanting babies, and the fact that I love to cook and do other 'womanly' tasks, and the fact that I really don't desire a career, makes him think I am the same as this lifestyle I am quite openly disdainful of.

I don't really care about that. But, it did make me think. What is it that I really think is wrong about some conservative Christians' view of femininity? It certainly isn't anything to do with getting married and having babies. I think they are great things to do :)

What I think is wrong, is women not having the choice to decide whether or not they want a career, or a family, or whatever.

What I think is wrong is the girls who think that they are incomplete without a husband and/or children. Yes, I know I joke about artificial insemination, or killing myself if I don't have kids. I just say things sometimes to shock/annoy people. It's what I do. I don't act myself around people, because I subconsciously am always trying to push people away and not let them be friends with me, so I give them the impression I am aggressive and crazy. When really I want them to know the real Rosalie...uh anyway, tangent much?

Yeah, I think it is terribly sad when young girls come up with the idea that they are nothing without a man. Not that this is a problem specific to the church...

I think it is completely stupid when women feel like they can't survive without men. I don't have a guy in my life. Some would have you believe that your father looks after you until your husband can take over. That's ridiculous. I have been living without men for like 2 and a half years. I have 3 amazing jobs, and am able to support myself. I can do pretty much anything I need to do.

I think it is wrong also, to think that a woman can only choose one way. I mean, yeah I want a family more than I want a career. That doesn't mean I won't have a career. I'd much prefer to have a ministry though. :)

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I don't think what these women do in their lives is wrong. I think that their reasons for doing so are.

It's not silly to want lots of kids. It is silly to think that the only purpose in your life is to have kids.

It's not silly to want a guy to protect you and care about you. It is silly to think you can't look after yourself.

It's not silly at all to want to be a stay at home mum. It is silly to think that you have to.

It just so happens that I want what is perceived to be a very conservative life. But I do not see myself as a conservative, down trodden, housewife-wanna-be.

Femininity does mean being nurturing, and all those things. But there is more than one way to do that.

Things just aren't very simple

Really, they aren't.

See, this youth ministry thing seems to have a lot more decision making than I would have thought. And it seems like every decision has the potential to hurt somebody. I don't wanna hurt anybody. But I do want to do the right thing, and the things that feel best to me.

I feel like if I try and change anything, people take that as criticism. (Then again, everything I do gets criticised. I know it shouldn't matter, but being told the meals I cook are too fancy, or the program is too plain...I dunno, I just don't get why people have to say those things. I'm different from Guy, ok? I don't have the patience to put a million little coloured pictures in the youth program. So what? Does it really matter enough to complain about? I can't live with myself if i feed people shit. It's one of my oh so frustrating quirks i guess. Why make an issue out of it? If i take the kids to a strip club, that's a problem. If no one is coming to youth group because it is so boring, tell me. Constructive criticism = fine. If the rest is a big deal, shut up and offer to do it yourself.)

I think that the youth ministry at Malvern has been great. I don't think it should stay the same forever though. Dude, that's why the church in Australia is freaking dying. That and the fact that we don't get persecuted enough. But I feel like people will hate me for even the smallest change.

Not to mention I want to make some big changes. And I'm not sure that people will like them. And i'm scared that people will be even less likely to want to be leaders, but should I let our standards drop just because of that? Surely not...

All I want to do is to help draw young people closer to God, and to connect them in a meaningful way to the church. And none of what I'm doing seems to have the potential to do that. But I have to do it anyway. Grrr.

OK, rant over. I do love my job you know :)

My First Blog...a little like My First Toothbrush, only no pretty pictures

So, I've never blogged before, and I thought I should try it before I disdainfully say that blogging is for losers. Actually, really I think I would like blogging because I am a loser, who enjoys the sound of her own voice far too much.

I feel as though I should try and say something thought provoking, with long words and insightful analogies. But I have just got home from driving like 800 kms, and am kind of thought out. Maybe I could share some of my driving thoughts?

1. Someone should create a voice activated wikipaedia device for cars. Come on, it would be brilliant. All those questions in need of an answer that you come up with while driving, could actually become questions with an answer.

2. Youth Ministry is incredibly hard. Actually all ministry is. More on that later :)

3. I hate clutter, and want to decluttify my life. I also now hate that decluttify is not a word. Declutter? Unclutter? Shall I just keep typing words until one comes up without red underlining? See, now this point is cluttered. I give up.

Well, those are all the thoughts I can remember. I'm sure I had more, and they were very interesting.

Actually I can remember more, but they shall not become public knowledge :P Some things are better left in my head. Although, isn't the whole point of blogging to let out those particular thoughts? Or maybe not...