Trains

I'm sitting on a train. I love trains. I always have. The rhythm soothes me, and the hum of the engine is comforting. But I think it's more than that. All my favourite places to be, like the central markets, trains and trams, the beach, cafes, etc have this attribute I call public loneliness.
Public loneliness is, as those of you who are literate might have guessed, simply the state of being alone in public.
For me, it's something I find completely necessary.
I'm an extrovert. Not in the sense of loving public speaking, or clowning around, although I do enjoy those things from time to time. In the sense of needing people around me to fuel me. If I am left alone for more than a day or so, I go mad. In fact whenever I am alone, my feelings take over. Sometimes that's okay, and a good thing. But sometimes, like these last few weeks, I just have too many feelings to handle all at once. When I'm alone they just burble up, and suffocate me.
While being with people is a good thing, it is also difficult. Because I can't realistically let people see what's going on. Some friends, yes sure. But not everyone. That would be chaos. And so I have the public version of me. She hasn't been working well recently. She's quieter, and more distracted. But, she is still protecting me. Perhaps too well. She doesn't let me feel any emotions at all any more. To prevent me from crying in front of people, she also has to stop me laughing. She just has to stop me feeling at all. Tonight I fell off a porch and dropped and smashed my phone. If she let my emotions work, I would be embarrassed and upset about that. But no, there's no emotions.
So there are my two options. I can drown in emotions, or have none at all.
Until I get into the public alone space. It's the perfect mix of being able to be quiet and think, but still having to hold it all together.
I can't break down and cry, or shake, like I might do in private.
But I also don't have to talk or laugh or express any emotion at all.
The strangers around me unknowingly hold me together, while I gather myself.
It's a blessing.

What happened?

So yesterday's blog was...gloomy. To say the least.
I don't know what happened. But today I've been fine. Better than that actually. For me, pretty great.
Was someone praying? Coz this never happens. I was happy without trying. And without life getting better.
Weird. But good.

Treading water.

I'm not coping well with life at the moment.
It shouldn't be a surprise to me. I've been depressed for 10 years or so now. On and off. I've dealt with anxiety, panic attacks, self injury. Suicidal desires. I've done almost everything except drugs to cope with it. And smoking. Coz that shit is gross.
But this is a whole new ball game.
Ever since I lost my job, things have been going downhill. I have had more and more days of just not getting out of bed. I don't feel bad all the time. I just don't feel anything. When I do feel, it's like there is no control over my emotions. It's terrifying. I'll suddenly find myself crying in the shops. Or I'll be driving down the hill and decide I should just take my hands off the wheel and accelerate. It only lasts a second.
I go through so many emotions so quickly. They are all valid. But I'm feeling them all too strongly, and they are changing too quickly. I feel dizzy. I can't keep up.
I know how I could fix this. One cut and everything will stop swirling. I won't be feeling too much or too little. The physical pain will save me from every thing else.
But it's too addictive. If I could just do it once, maybe I would. But it was so hard to kick last time.
So I'll just try and keep my head above water a bit longer. And hope that everything calms down.
At least this time, I have valid reasons to feel like shit. Lots of stuff sucks right now. So it's not crazy depression without reason anymore.
I sort of thought it was all under control for a while there. But life was easy for a while too. I guess I just don't cope very well with adversity.
Someone said I was strong recently. If she could see inside my head she would know how false that is.
I'm barely holding together. I'm stuck together with clag glue at the moment. One more nudge will send me to pieces.
Which would be okay. I've been in pieces before. I've put them back together.
I'll be okay. I'm in no danger of hurting myself or anyone else.
The worst that will happen will be inappropriate tears, or pushing more friends away.
I had a good day today. I was volunteering. Helping others always helps I guess.
Jesus help me.

Friendship

Friendship. Is it meant to be forever? In the Rosalie rule book it is.
Not like every single acquaintance stays forever. That's pretty normal.
It's also normal to drift closer and further apart over time. But you don't love each other any less.
A great example of this is my yits girls. Obviously we were closer when we saw each other three days a week. But now even when we don't see each other for months, we get together and it's like nothing changed. It's amazing.
Recently I met someone new. A friend of a friend. We got to know each other, and became quite close.
I told her once that she'd never lose me. I told her I never let friends go.
But then something happened. I guess this is normal and part of life. Whatever. She seems to have decided for whatever reason that we can't be friends anymore. it's very confusing I can't tell if it is because I've done something wrong, and she genuinely dislikes me, or because she thinks she's hurt me, or what. She's amazing, but not the most clear person I have ever met.
And I guess I should be fine with this. I should just grow up and move on. Except that when you are in my heart, you never leave it.
I don't know how to express this to her. I've tried so hard. But everything else keeps getting in the way.
Right at the moment, life is getting pretty crap for me. Life always sucks in some way, I know. But now I have no church, I'm having family issues, work sucks, I'm financially screwed, I just failed uni, my depression is getting worse every day, my social opportunities are being taken from me. All first world problems I know, but it's hard. The one thing I did have was these few close friends, keeping me going. And for one to just discard me like trash, well, it makes me feel like trash. And also like it's going to happen again. When will the next person just give up on me? When will someone I trust with everything just change their mind?
Anyone who bothers to read this...If we are friends, I will always love you. No matter what. I don't have much to offer in a friendship, but that much is true.