Joshua 1:5

"Panorama" or "Joshua 1:5" - by Rosalie c. 2007

I was a perfect girl,
In control of my world,
At home at work at school,
It was totally cool,
Life was no big drama,
Just a panorama,
Of smiles of fun of friendship
'Til i started to slip.

And now my hopes are falling,
My life is stalling
My writing's scrawling
As I write I'm bawling
So away I'm crawling
My burden hauling.
I can't bear this shame,
I can't take this pain.

Then suddenly life it got tougher,
My storms they grew rougher
at home at work at school
I feel like a fool.
Life was one huge drama
Just a panorama
Of hurt of pain of shame
Is this the end of the game.

And now my hopes are falling, 

My life is stalling

My writing's scrawling

As I write I'm bawling

So away I'm crawling

My burden hauling,

I can't bear this shame, 

I can't take this pain.

Is this just adolescence?

Why can't I feel your presence?

Jesus why have you deserted me, 

To struggle trying to break free?

I will never leave you or forsake you, declares the Lord...(repeats about a hundred times)

Well now I think I understand

I let go of your hand

I let go of your hand

I ran I slipped I fell

Stuffed my life as well.

But you never left my side

You did not hide

You loved you watched you waited 

Til I took the hand you offered.

And though my hopes are falling

And my life is stalling

My writing's still scrawling

And I might be bawling

To you I'm crawling

My burden hauling

You can take my shame

And heal my pain...

---

I wrote this song several years ago. It's not a particularly good song, but I like to listen to it occasionally to remind me of a few things.

First, I don't want to ever been in a position again where I am pushing God and others away. I have to be willing to accept love if I hope to be able to give it. I'm pretty good with this one really, but it's good to remember. :)

Second, hard times are a part of life. They will be worse at some points than others. I've been as low as being suicidal, but I've also had the most amazingly happy moments ever. Like seeing my precious baby sister for the first time. So yeah, things are really tough right now, but they won't always be.

Thirdly, God has promised me, as he has promised all his children, that he will never leave me or forsake me, like Joshua 1:5 says. Knowing that God is with me through this and all hard times, is the most important thing I know. 

I hope that when I am old and have dementia, that this is the last thing I forget.

Ephesians 4:29

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about how we use our voices. 

There is a lady I know, who always seems to be using her voice for good. No matter how I feel, after talking to her I always feel better. On days when I fell like the ugliest girl in the world, she tells me I am beautiful, and when I feel like quitting, without knowing it, she says just the right words to make me feel OK again. 

I've never heard her gossip, or badmouth someone behind their back. She just gives love to everyone, regardless of who they are, or what they deserve. 

I want to be more like her. 

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. - Ephesians 4:29

Words like Knives

Feeling annoyed and hopeless and sad right now. Can totally understand why people turn to alcohol and drugs. Not that I'd do that, just saying.

Whatever you do! Don't!

Before i crashed my car, I was in love with this song. I listened to it about a million times. 

Then we took the CD player out of my car without pressing eject first, and so I lost my Shania Twain CD. 

Just came on I tunes, and gosh I love it hehe. 

Haven't we all felt like this sometimes?

She has some fabulous lyrics :P






Deep in Denialville
Tryin' a' fight the way I feel
I go jello when you smile
I start blushin'-my head rushin'

If you stand too close to me
I might melt down from the heat
If ya' look my way one more time
I'm gonna go out of my mind
Whatever you do...

Don't even think about it!
Don't go and get me started!
Don't you dare drive me crazy!
Don't do that to me baby!

You stop me in my tracks
My heart pumpin' to the max
I'm such a sucker for your eyes
They permanently paralyze
Whatever you do...

Don't even think about it!
Don't go and get me started!
Don't you dare drive me crazy!
Don't do that to me baby!

(Whatever you do, don't do that to me)
You got my heart under attack
You give me shivers down my back
D'ya have to walk the way you do?
I get weak just watchin' you
Whatever you do...

Don't even think about it!
Don't go and get me started!
Don't you dare drive me crazy!
Don't do that to me baby!

Don't do that-don't do that 

New Blog

http://searchingforthewillofjc.blogspot.com/

Just in case anyone wants to read it. Beware, it's pretty boring.

Friday Nights

I keep promising myself that I'll stop complaining on my blog...but just quickly, I HATE friday nights.
Realistically, I'm too tired to do any work. And I'm not rally much of a partyer/clubber/whatever it is that young people are supposed to do on Friday Nights.
It just gets a bit dull and lonely.
Apparently the most common day to commit suicide is a Tuesday. No idea how true that is. But I love Tuesdays. I get to go to Kindy, and it's my day that I teach lots of piano on. Then in the evening I usually cook or clean or watch a movie. Fun. Tuesdays are supposed to be alone nights. And they are the day before Bible study, and I love Bible study.
Saturday nights is youth, always fun; and Sundays is church, which is also great. That just leaves Monday, my sleeping/meeting night, and Thursday, late night shopping/I need a break by that stage in the week.
Friday day is always good, It's my whole day at Malvern, and I generally get a lot done.
It's just Friday night that's a problem.
All I'm saying, is that if anyone happened to know of a stamp collecting club that met on Friday nights...let me know. :P

The Dress I Made

The Dress...

Up Close. I don't look so pregnant in this one lol...

They took this gorgeous photo of my brother at the same time. Isn't he adorable?

A New Hobby

A happy blog today :)
So, I've discovered a new hobby. Actually I really discovered it years ago I suppose, But it wasn't until today that I realised how much I really like it.
What is it? Dressmaking.
I know that is a weird interest for a 20 year old. But it suits me perfectly. My perfectionistic side can be fulfilled, as I press seams, measure, unpick and resew and everything else. But unlike other things which allow me to fuss, this gives me a chance to be creative.
I'm not good at creative stuff. I can't paint or draw, I can't even arrange my farmville to look nice :P My scrap-booking attempts haven't improved since I was 10. But sewing gives me a chance to design things that actually end up looking pretty good.
Making clothes also means that I have a hobby I do not need to feel guilty about. I obviously need to wear clothes, and making a dress from an old valance saves me money!
When I fix my camera, I will put some photos on here of my dress I made today :) It is orange and pink and brown and blue and green and yellow and has flowers all over it. It is happy and hippy.
And it is long down to the floor, and has cute little sleeves that I am very proud of. :D
I bought a dress today as well, from the op shop. It's also long down to the floor, and is blue and white, and has lace. It is Laura Ashley, which is apparently a really expensive brand, and the dress was $2.50. Then again, we think the dress is probably from the 70s. It is made of beautiful quality cotton, and is cut so gorgeously.
I am going to start wearing more of the clothes I like, and less of the clothes that blend in. Because I really don't care what people think, and I want to be happy with what I wear :)
So here's to long, old-fashioned dresses. :D

Why Can't I Turn Off The Worry? I Blame Technology.

Don't get me wrong. I love facebook, twitter, the internet in general. I love my phone, couldn't live without my friends being a 11 cent, 160 character message away.
But it does make it more challenging to relax. I keep coming up with new things to stress about, and many of them are because of things I've read on facebook, or whatever.
However, on the flip side, it does mean that I am able to relieve some stress by fixing problems on the internet/phone.
Part of me doesn't want to go back at the end of the week. Life is just going to go back to being stressful and awful. My house will still be revoulting. I will get home at the end of the day and feel just the same. Work will take up every waking moment. Friends will make me feel guilty for working, work will make me feel guilty for having friends. And i'll be strong and get through it like always, with the occasional melt down.
Part of me thinks that maybe I can change the way things are, and make life better.
We'll give that second part more of a chance to talk, shall we? And ignore the worry as much as possible :)

Kid's Club

So this week was really exciting.
Lots of hard work paid off :)
It is very tiring. We need to be more mindful of keeping ourselves safe and healthy I think.
I was excited to see so many kids, and even more excited to see them having so much safe fun, and even more excited to see nearly all of them interacting with the stories and learning the memory verses.
If there was one thing I could do in the world, it would be to teach kids to memorise parts of the bible. It is just invaluable to have God's words ingrained in our minds.
Such a good good week.
Looking forward to holidays though. A whole week with no church drama to worry about :D

Children and the Lord's Supper

On Holy Sunday this year, the children at my church were allowed to participate in Communion. This doesn't usually happen, and I was extremely happy. Much as I love my church, I really disagree with many of our childrens ministry practices. It is not that children are specifically not allowed to take part in communion, but that the structure of our Sunday morning service means they are not able to.
Mentioning this in an after church chat revealed that not everyone agrees with me (shock horror), which, of course has resulted in me musing, and finally deciding to blog about it. :)

What I believe: Children are a part of Jesus' church, and therefore shouldn't be excluded from any aspect of communal worship. They should be allowed to have full participation in the sacraments. My understanding is that there are two sacraments, Holy Communion and Baptism.
(Side note: I do not believe in infant baptism, although I think it is OK if others want to do it, I won't be baptising my kids as babies. What I am referring to here is children making the decision to be baptised. For example I was baptised when I was about 7 or 8, because I wanted to make that commitment to God.)

Why I believe this: I guess I have a few different perspectives on this.

On a personal level, I took communion as a child, and it was a hugely significant part of my faith journey. My earliest memory of church is being given communion, and mum or dad (I assume) saying 'this is the special juice/bread that reminds us how much Jesus loves us'. The reason I am a Christian today is because faith was such an integral part of my life as a child. I have always known that God loves me, because I was told that. The transition between believing because I trusted my parents and believing because I had experienced this love myself was seamless. There were no classes I had to go through, or steps I had to take before I could be fully a part of God's family. I was born there, and stayed there my whole life thus far. My family's attitude towards communion was very important in this journey.

When I read the bible, I cannot find anywhere where children are forbidden from taking part in communion.
I do find Jesus saying "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14). I know that this is not referring to communion, but it makes me think that if the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to them, then surely we shouldn't be holding them back from participating in any part of it?
1 Corinthians 11:17-34 deals with abuse of the Lord's Supper. Many people use this to back up their claims that children should not be involved in Communion. Basically they say that children are too young too understand exactly what communion signifies, and are therefore unworthy of taking it. I would argue that none of us can fully understand salvation, and are continuously growing in our understanding of it.

*spends 20 minutes googling for articles against children taking part in communion so she has something to argue against. fails*

OK, so can people who disagree please post why, coz I really don't understand why people believe kids shouldn't be involved in Communion.

I do want to have a better understanding of this. Maybe I am wrong. I have been wrong once or twice before...

annoyance

Right now I'm sitting at church, hoping that inspiration will come. I have bible stories to prepare, a memory verse to make up, and skits to locate. Plus activities for the older kids. So much to do, and my brain has decided to take the day off. Or week. or month. I get that I am stressed, but it is terribly inconvenient of me to shut down at this particular point in life. My body just doesn't seem to understand bargains. If it just gets through the next 7 days, it can have a break. and I have promised it that next term will be better.
But no, it's throwing a tantrum and refusing to cooperate now.
Someone kill me.
Not literally.
doesn't help that I left my bible at home. I work best with my own bible lol.
I think the problem is that kids club, while it should be the only thing on my mind, isn't. there are too many other distracting things going on in my mind atm. Money, boys (lol or just boy :P), the Period of Discernment, study, youth group, GIG, chaplaincy, and certain kids I know.
So to help get them off my mind...I'll ramble here...
Money - I am so behind in rent and everything. I don't understand where my money goes. mainly on food I think. I know I shouldn't ever buy food, but the hours I've been working recently just mean I have no time to cook. Not to mention my stupid depressed side that comes out when I'm home alone. The side that makes it hard for me to even move my body, let alone clean or cook. And then sometimes I think I just give up in despair that the money will ever be ok, which is when i make stupid purchases like my shoes. I mean I need them, just probably not as much as I need to pay my car rego. Since, as mum pointed out, I really can't afford to lose my license or get a criminal record. Really I can't afford to have a car, but I can't afford not to either. I do need a car, for my piano students. Not to mention my life is far too busy as it is, i wouldn't have time to catch the bus everywhere.
All I can hope is that next term will be better, coz I'll have more piano students, and hopefully won't be paying tax on my church income. Which will maybe also mean that I'll be back on a healthcare card.
Speaking of healthcare, I find it highly annoying that glasses aren't covered. I'm pretty sure I need new glasses, I've been squinting a lot, but I'm far too scared to go to the optometrist, coz there is no way I can afford new glasses this year. I can't even afford contacts, which I hate so so much. Glasses not only look gross, they are uncomfortable, and I can't see as well as with contacts. It annoys me greatly that I have to pay to be able to see and to be able to breathe. One of the things I really struggle to not be angry at God about. I know that's silly.
Boy - Not gonna talk about this. Coz it really is silly. I know 10 year olds who are more mature about their crushes than I am :P Suffice to say that it is a distraction, that while generally pleasant, can also be very annoying at times. Not the person, I don't often find him annoying. :P
The Period of Discernment - Someone I have a lot of respect for recently told me that I'm too young to be a minister. Even when I said I'll be at least 27 before I finish my degree if I decide I want to be a UC minister, he still seemed disapproving. I know it doesn't matter what one person says, but what God says, the problem is I really don't know what God is saying. I think he's calling me to full time church-based ministry, but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what that might be. I guess a minister. But I don't know. I feel like it's a bad time of life to be making big decisions like this. Very frustrating.
Study - I have only one subject, but the enrollment people at uniting College suck, so I've only just got what I need to start it. Which means I'm really really behind. So my lovely relaxing holiday will now be completely filled with Study :(
Youth Group - So much to worry about here. At least the kids are great, and our leaders are starting to work a bit better together. :)
GIG - I really want this to work properly. Hoping that a 7 week study on sex helps :D
Chaplaincy - I don't think I want to be a cpsw anymore. It's just not working for me very well. I dunno. Another decision that I don't really want to be on my mind at the moment.
Kids - There are so many heartbreaking stories I know of. This is why I shouldn't be a counselor or anything. I worry about them all so much. The 5 year old who saw her dad beat her mum up and shove her in the boot of the family car. She has such a beautiful smile, and is delightful to talk to, but I just want to cry knowing what she has seen so far in life. The 12 year old who only feels safe when in hospital. The dozens of kids whose parents are splitting up, many of them using their children as ammunition. These kids occupy all my thoughts, and come up in my dreams. I pray so much that God will look after them, and usually that helps to take my worries away, at least overnight, but just not at the moment.

*sigh* well that feels a little better, Back to work now. :P