annoyance

Right now I'm sitting at church, hoping that inspiration will come. I have bible stories to prepare, a memory verse to make up, and skits to locate. Plus activities for the older kids. So much to do, and my brain has decided to take the day off. Or week. or month. I get that I am stressed, but it is terribly inconvenient of me to shut down at this particular point in life. My body just doesn't seem to understand bargains. If it just gets through the next 7 days, it can have a break. and I have promised it that next term will be better.
But no, it's throwing a tantrum and refusing to cooperate now.
Someone kill me.
Not literally.
doesn't help that I left my bible at home. I work best with my own bible lol.
I think the problem is that kids club, while it should be the only thing on my mind, isn't. there are too many other distracting things going on in my mind atm. Money, boys (lol or just boy :P), the Period of Discernment, study, youth group, GIG, chaplaincy, and certain kids I know.
So to help get them off my mind...I'll ramble here...
Money - I am so behind in rent and everything. I don't understand where my money goes. mainly on food I think. I know I shouldn't ever buy food, but the hours I've been working recently just mean I have no time to cook. Not to mention my stupid depressed side that comes out when I'm home alone. The side that makes it hard for me to even move my body, let alone clean or cook. And then sometimes I think I just give up in despair that the money will ever be ok, which is when i make stupid purchases like my shoes. I mean I need them, just probably not as much as I need to pay my car rego. Since, as mum pointed out, I really can't afford to lose my license or get a criminal record. Really I can't afford to have a car, but I can't afford not to either. I do need a car, for my piano students. Not to mention my life is far too busy as it is, i wouldn't have time to catch the bus everywhere.
All I can hope is that next term will be better, coz I'll have more piano students, and hopefully won't be paying tax on my church income. Which will maybe also mean that I'll be back on a healthcare card.
Speaking of healthcare, I find it highly annoying that glasses aren't covered. I'm pretty sure I need new glasses, I've been squinting a lot, but I'm far too scared to go to the optometrist, coz there is no way I can afford new glasses this year. I can't even afford contacts, which I hate so so much. Glasses not only look gross, they are uncomfortable, and I can't see as well as with contacts. It annoys me greatly that I have to pay to be able to see and to be able to breathe. One of the things I really struggle to not be angry at God about. I know that's silly.
Boy - Not gonna talk about this. Coz it really is silly. I know 10 year olds who are more mature about their crushes than I am :P Suffice to say that it is a distraction, that while generally pleasant, can also be very annoying at times. Not the person, I don't often find him annoying. :P
The Period of Discernment - Someone I have a lot of respect for recently told me that I'm too young to be a minister. Even when I said I'll be at least 27 before I finish my degree if I decide I want to be a UC minister, he still seemed disapproving. I know it doesn't matter what one person says, but what God says, the problem is I really don't know what God is saying. I think he's calling me to full time church-based ministry, but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what that might be. I guess a minister. But I don't know. I feel like it's a bad time of life to be making big decisions like this. Very frustrating.
Study - I have only one subject, but the enrollment people at uniting College suck, so I've only just got what I need to start it. Which means I'm really really behind. So my lovely relaxing holiday will now be completely filled with Study :(
Youth Group - So much to worry about here. At least the kids are great, and our leaders are starting to work a bit better together. :)
GIG - I really want this to work properly. Hoping that a 7 week study on sex helps :D
Chaplaincy - I don't think I want to be a cpsw anymore. It's just not working for me very well. I dunno. Another decision that I don't really want to be on my mind at the moment.
Kids - There are so many heartbreaking stories I know of. This is why I shouldn't be a counselor or anything. I worry about them all so much. The 5 year old who saw her dad beat her mum up and shove her in the boot of the family car. She has such a beautiful smile, and is delightful to talk to, but I just want to cry knowing what she has seen so far in life. The 12 year old who only feels safe when in hospital. The dozens of kids whose parents are splitting up, many of them using their children as ammunition. These kids occupy all my thoughts, and come up in my dreams. I pray so much that God will look after them, and usually that helps to take my worries away, at least overnight, but just not at the moment.

*sigh* well that feels a little better, Back to work now. :P