Can Only Go Up From Here

So I made the first move toward getting my life sorted out today. finally figured out my new uni timetable. And do you know what? Since I don't have to care what anyone else thinks of my life choices any more, I chose a subject about Gender and Sexuality. I wanted to do it, but thought people would not understand and judge me for it before. But now, I guess I can really just do the things I want to do. Tiny silver lining there!

But anyway, kind of exciting for me. Started thinking about study next year as well, it's good to be able to look ahead again.

I've been in survival mode for too long now. Happy to be trying to move on.

It still hurts like crazy to think about it all. I still can't believe it happened. But, I'm getting there.

Still need lots of hugs though :P

Treading Water

Living with depression feels like treading water. I'm scared to stop moving because I don't want to sink down again. It's exhausting.

Finding a church feels much the same. I just want to take some time off, and just be sad about everything that happened at Malvern. But I can't. I know that if I get out of rhythm, I may never get back into it. I came close t doing that before. Going to church isn't something that I necessarily enjoy all the time. A lot of the time it's really hard. At least when you're established in a church you know what you can expect, and you're involved. I know I should just want to go and worship Jesus, but I'd really rather mope around at home.

Meeting new people is exhausting. Being a part of new worship styles is exhausting. Etc Etc Etc.

I know it's really important, and hence I'm gonna force myself out of bed and into something slightly more stylish than PJs very soon. But I can really see why so many people fall away from the church. It's hard work.

Blah I'm pathetic, but getting this out of my system did help. Right, off to explore new churches. :)