I know I'm crazy, but...

I just don't see any point in life without Jesus. I really don't think that there is hope without him. I get into trouble for saying this. coz yeah, basically I am saying that there isn't a whole lot of point to things like counsellors and stuff. I mean they are good things, and in any profession, a person can show Jesus unconditional love through their actions. But how can you offer hope to a person without telling them about Jesus?
Maybe I am just a bible bashing OTT crazy lady. But I guess it's just that I know what Jesus has done for me, and I really want everyone to have that. It's not about getting to heaven even. If that's all salvation is, I'd just hang out at Resthaven, and work on converting people on their deathbeds. I certainly wouldn't waste my time in youth ministry with kids who would more than likely reject their faith and need to be reconnected to it later in life.
One of my jobs is heartbreaking, because I can't tell kids about Jesus when I want to. When kids come to me, and tell me about abuse, or friendship problems, or how they hate themselves, I just want to tell them about the only person (well 3 of them, but I might leave that out initially :P) who completely and utterly loves them. How God can provide hope in even the lowest of places. To have to tell them that they should use positive self talk, and stress relieving exercises just sucks. Sure these things are good, but alone, they will never heal that child. Only Jesus can do that.
I guess this is why I am so excited to be in a role where I can freely tell people about Jesus. And why it is so hard for me to do anything else. Because when it comes down to it, fun isn't going to bring about salvation. Fun can provide a great medium to tell people about Jesus, and of course it is hugely important. But to me, telling kids clearly and explicitly about Jesus is way more important.

The funny things kids say

I love working with children. They are ridiculously awesome.

The other day, a kid asked me how they tell if kangaroos are boys or girls. That was a fun conversation. Sex ed is not the chaplain's job!

Today in one of the classes I work in, the teacher was talking about assembly. She held up a photo of the principal, 'Now does any one know what Mr Stokes does?" she asked. One kid said "Well when the tap broked he came and made it not broked." I'm sure Mr Stokes would be flattered.

I might randomly add to this. kids are great.

Duty

Today I was helping in a year 1/2 class. 6 and 7 year olds, such an adorable stage. One of the little girls was quite excited to see that I was wearing the same white and pink dunlop volleys as she was. Then she noticed that she couldn't see my laces. I tuck the bow and the straggly bits under the toe of the shoe, to make it nice and tidy you know. So I showed her what I had done,and thought nothing of it. A minute later, I looked over to see her and her friends doing the same thing to their sneakers.
It highlighted to me the influence you can have on a child. This was something small, just a minor fashion choice. But who is to say that we can't influence children for the better in the important things? Or alternatively, influence them for the worse?
There is a superchic[k] song that I love.
This is the last verse:

No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn't know he's the leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he's made
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it's his right
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life

I think this is so true. Anyone who is an older sibling, or has led a youth group, or whatever, will have seen children imitate what they do. From the simple act of tying their shoelaces differently, to manner of speech, to the really huge things, kids will imitate us.
I know a lot of people are aware of this, and will avoid, say, smoking in front of kids, because they don't want them to pick up that habit. But I would argue that their are many harmful behaviours that we as adults participate in, right in front of the children we try so hard to protect.
For example, look at how you talk about yourself in front of children. How often do you put yourself down, or tell the child that you are terrible at something. I notice this particularly with drawing, and with sport. Comments along the lines of 'Now I'm a terrible drawer, but you guys are all so much better' are condescending to the child. Just because they are five, doesn't mean they can't tell that an adult's stick figure is still better than theirs. To hear the adult say that they are terrible, automatically tells the child that they are even worse.
And then we turn around, and try to tell the child that they are special, and should use positive self talk.
I'm not saying we should lie, or act like we are always happy around children. But surely we can all try and practice what we preach.

Hunger + Rosalie = strangeness

Making custard over a stove is a particularly difficult task. I mean the beginning is easy. You mix up a lovely concoction of custard powder, sugar, milk and egg. You whisk it. Then you put it on the stove. The issue here is that you have to stir it constantly until it is cooked. If you leave it for even a second, you run the risk of it sticking on the bottom and burning. You have to monitor the temperature also, to make sure it is not gonna stick even with the stirring. Sometimes making a litre of custard can take almost an hour.
You can get the same delicious result using a microwave. Here, the process is much simpler. You mix the ingredients as usual, in a glass bowl, and then microwave on high, stirring every couple of minutes until it is cooked. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
There are some things in my life I wish I had a microwave for right now. Not a literal microwave (although one of them would be nice). Just some way of simplifying the process.

Panic

It can be the littlest thing. A simple mistake. A forgotten task. A missing piece of clothing. A comment. An accidental slip up that annoys a friend.

And then the world starts to spin. My chest gets tight, my throat constricts and I can't breathe. Uncontrollable shaking takes over. If I am driving I have to pull over. If I am in public, I have to excuse myself. I gasp, I feel like I am drowning. My hands start to feel numb. My mind gets stuck in a rut.

And then the tears come. And the hair pulling. I try and get as much air into my chest as I possibly can. I try and calm down. Eventually something works. I can fix my face, and enter the world again.

Waiting. Always, alway waiting, and fearing the next one.

crushes

Having a crush sucks.

Especially when it is someone who is out of your league/ would never notice you even if that wasn't the case.

Trying to get over a crush is hard. Blogging/thinking/talking about it is probably the least helpful thing you can do. But oh well.

I remember my first crush. I think I was in reception. I had lots of crushes in reception. I had a boyfriend in year one. Until we had a fight over a pair of scissors, and I got sent to the principal's office. Then there was a boy who I had a crush on, and so I followed him around all the time. To the extent that he walked around in circles in the middle of the oval with me 10 cm behind him.

It also sucks when someone has a crush on you, and you don't return the feeling. When i was about 13, I was in a play. This guy called John used to always come and sit with me, and try and touch me as often as possible and stuff. He was like 17 so I found it kind of creepy. Was glad when dress rehearsals started and I could hide in the girl's change room.

But on the whole, crushes were easier when I was younger. If you liked a guy, you flirted via text. If you wanted to get rid of a guy, you texted him. Or got a friend to do that.

Can't really do that anymore.

Also, as a teenager, you weren't as careful as you have to be now. So what if you caused a major drama? Everyone did that, on a regular basis. And then all your friends would choose sides, and fight for a few days, until making up, and it all being good again. Being a young adult make life a whole lot more serious. You don't tell a guy you like them, because it might make things awkward. Causing a drama could be disastrous.

I don't understand how anyone manages to get together with people. There are just too many things to worry about.

This is why I will always be single :P

And why I would like some parts of my mind to be erased.

Ridiculous thoughts at 2 AM

I over react to things too much. I really try to be laid back. But isn't that almost an oxymoron? I try and stay calm. But the most little thing can trigger all kinds of bizarre reactions. I cry so freaking much. I think I have cried every day that I have worked at church so far. Who knows why. I love that job. Fridays and Mondays are my favourite days, the days I don't have to drag myself out of bed in the morning. Then I will stress out at the littlest things.

It must be incredibly frustrating to be my friend, or even to be in the same room as me. Like poor Mark the other, having me completely lose it because I thought the chile was burnt. Why can't I just be calmer?

I hate it that I attention seek so much. Without even intending to, I find myself trying to be funny, or weird, or anything, just to get people to notice me. I really don't even want to. Although one could argue that blogging in itself is attention seeking.

It's ridiculous.

And I am so sick of it. I feel like it takes over my life sometimes. I get so stressed, and I am sick of the panic attacks, and the headaches, and the stomach problems, and everything else.

But I worry you know. Just say, I was to lose this. would I still be the same person? Would I be any use at all if I wasn't this OTT? You can see from the state of my house (the place I crash every night) that without stress and panic, I have no motivation. When I was majorly depressed, my room was perfect. My life was as under control as I could possibly make it. I feel as if the better I get, the less like me I get. Being messy isn't me. I hate it. I can't stand being at home, because it is where I am messy.

What scares me even more, is that if I don't feel sad all the time, if I just feel normal, then will things be able to make me feel as happy as they do now? Being happy after being so sad, I love the contrast. I don't know if it is the same any other way. I can't remember.

Yes, I want to keep on getting better, but I just get so scared sometimes that better is actually worse.

I do want to get better, I know I do. It's just sometimes that I feel like this. Just a little worry at the back of my mind.

I know that Jesus loves me, and that he wants me better. So I guess I just have to trust that with him, better truly will be better.

Another story.

Once upon a time, there was a fairy princess. She met a Pixie Prince. She liked the prince, but he never realised she existed. Then, accidentally, she got old, and died. Fairies get very old.

I should absolutely write children's books

There was a mouse and a spider. They were friends. One day, the mouse came up with a plan.

'Come on spidie,' he said,'lets rid the world of shoes. Shoes kick us, and squash us.'

But Spidie disagreed. 'No, that's boring. I would rather stay at home and watch the telly.'

Mouse tried his hardest, but Spidie thwarted his every plan.

In the end, Mouse was impaled on a stiletto, and an ugg boot flattened Spidie. It was very sad.

And people everywhere went about their business, stepping on small creatures.

practicing atheism

I am reading an excellent book. Well excellent so far.
One thing it said, I thought was fantastic. But also incredibly challenging.
Kenda Creasy Dean was talking about how our theological beliefs affect our lives. She says that she ( and I would agree with her) has one theology which she believes, and one which she practices. She lives like a 'theological schizophrenic'.

I love this quote. It says so much to me about the way I do things.

'Christians preach a God who is (thankfully) bigger than we are, and as a result our lives and our ministries always fall miserably short. This is human and inevitable; but it is always redeemable. Unless those of us in youth ministry learn to approach our calling as a theological enterprise, asking ourselves why we pastor youth in the ways that we do, we risk turning youth ministry into a giant Saturday Night Live skit:

What we say: "God sent Jesus to save the world!"
What we think: "I must save this young person from self-destructing."

What we say: "God is in control!"
What we think: "They can't run this program without me."

What we say: "Jesus loves us unconditionally."
What we think: "I can't tell them what I think or they won't like me."

What we say: "With God, nothing is impossible."
What we think: "I feel like I'm drowning in youth ministry."

Put simply, theological reflection keeps the practice of youth ministry focused on God instead of on us. It makes possible radical congruency between what we say we believe and how we conduct our lives. Without intentional theological reflection in our ministries with young people, we will all be living like atheists in no time.'

I personally think this relates to a lot more than just youth ministry. One of the things that I love about Christianity, is that it has no limits. But I have time limits now, so I may blog more on that later...

Old journal entries

Just found some old diary pages I'd written sometime.

8/7/06
...How much longer will I be hoping to die accidentally simply because I don't really know how I could kill myself?...What if I go back to hurting myself God?I guess you still love me, but could anyone else?...
Just quoted that because I am so glad life is better now. Sure, I still struggle with that stuff every day, but it is not as consuming as it was back then. But that took a long long time to get past. Gives me hope that this too will pass, and that one day I will be able to be happy.

24/07/06
"I am the light of the world. The person who follows me will never live in darkness but will have the light that gives life." - Jesus, John 8:12

I follow you Jesus,
Let me see your light.
It's so hard today,
Show me the way.
It feels dark in here
But your word tells me
That your light is here
To give me some life.

Weird that in all that, I could write something like this. Also kinda weird that I said I could feel darkness. Since that would presumably usually be a visual thing. Wonder what I meant. I have absolutely no recollection of these pages. I found them inside a psychology text book. They are my handwriting though lol.

My Beautiful Family

I love them so much. Really I do.

Little Nicky was so cute today. He saw me before anyone else, and I swear he recognized me. His face is nearly better now from where he fell, but i think he'll always have a little scar. He had so much fun at the beach, and was so surprised every time a wave came up to him. Then he ate sand, and put shells in his mouth. A girl sitting nearby came up and told us he was doing it, she must have thought we were very neglectful. If she'd had 8 kids, she wouldn't worry about sand lol.

Evie is the most darling little girl. She is getting to the age now where she can have quite grown up conversations, and will remember things from one visit to the next. She is still scared of cats, but she is being so brave about it hehe. She keeps asking where Elley is, because she is scared she will take her dollies away in the night. And she is so clever. She is so good at spelling, and trying to read, and counting, and she isn't even 4 yet. She will be a genius or something.

Davie is just awesome. The kids buried him in the sand, and he cracked himself up when he farted. He wanted to know if we could smell it through all the sand.

I miss my JoeJoe so much. He was my baby. No, not literally, I have no deep dark secrets that big. But I looked after him like all the time. He would just sleep in my arms for hours and hours. I miss having a baby to cuddle whenever I want.

Clancy is getting so grown up. It's his birthday on Monday, I am so mad at myself because I forgot to get his present, and now i'm broke as. Wish I knew when I was getting paid.

Ruby is just starting to talk to me again. She pretty much hated me I reckon for years. But not really, because she still copied everything I did. But now we like the same music and stuff so it's cool. She is so much of a better pianist than me, I'm so jealous.

And my baby brother Tim has officially left home! That is so scary! I hate that we are growing up, and scattering. I want us to be little kids again. course then we didn't have half of them, but whatever.

I love them. :)

Creation v. Evolution - my annoyance

Just remembered something else I want to blog about.

See apparently it's ridiculous that I believe in Creation, and not in homosexuality being wrong. Which annoys me.

First point: Why do we have to fit into categories anyway? Like why do I have to either be completely literal, or completely liberal?

Second point: Why Why Why can't you evolutionist Christians accept my beliefs the way I accept yours? Why do you have to continually make me feel like I am stupid for believing what I believe? Why won't you even stop to think, for just a second, that I do not believe this blindly? That I have spent years now looking at the facts, looking at science, and evaluating what I believe based on that?

Third point: Really why does it matter? Are my beliefs really that much of an embarrassment to the church, as one blogger said, many moons ago? (not specifically about me lol). Do we really need to all believe in evolution, so that the secular world will stop ridiculing us? Can I just say that the creation/evolution question is not the most ridiculous thing about Christianity...Hello, we believe that some guy gave up his life to save people, and that he came back to life. Harry potter much? Not to mention loving our enemies...

Fourth point: If evolution is so obviously right, why can nobody answer my questions about how it fits in with Christian theology? Like when did humanity start, when did sin start? Was there ever a perfect world? Was there death before sin?

I don't know, it seems like we try and find the easiest answer for other issues, and Creation seems much more logical to me.

Fifth point: how is creation and homosexuality related at all?

Sixth point: I don't even know what I think about homosexuality. Or creation really. Or anything. I guess it's because I am acknowledging that I don't know everything, that makes me a liberal. Who knows?

In conclusion: I don't really care that much about this. I am not angry, as I may sound :P

But I do think that we need to learn to take the other point of view more seriously. Just because we don't agree, doesn't mean they're stupid.

A ramble that made so much more sense in my head. Now it just seems like what everyone else says.

I hate people who make me think. No actually I don't, but still.

Someone said something to me the other day, and I didn't know whether to be offended or not. I chose not, 'coz I don't get offended easily, plus I don't think he would have been trying to offend me anyway. Anyway, we were talking, and I was paying out those books on how to be the perfect woman (basically do everything your husband says, have lots of babies, and learn how to cook and sew). I think they're silly. Anyway, he said something along the lines of'how can you pay that out so much, when you live out that life yourself?'

Apparently all my crazy talk about wanting babies, and the fact that I love to cook and do other 'womanly' tasks, and the fact that I really don't desire a career, makes him think I am the same as this lifestyle I am quite openly disdainful of.

I don't really care about that. But, it did make me think. What is it that I really think is wrong about some conservative Christians' view of femininity? It certainly isn't anything to do with getting married and having babies. I think they are great things to do :)

What I think is wrong, is women not having the choice to decide whether or not they want a career, or a family, or whatever.

What I think is wrong is the girls who think that they are incomplete without a husband and/or children. Yes, I know I joke about artificial insemination, or killing myself if I don't have kids. I just say things sometimes to shock/annoy people. It's what I do. I don't act myself around people, because I subconsciously am always trying to push people away and not let them be friends with me, so I give them the impression I am aggressive and crazy. When really I want them to know the real Rosalie...uh anyway, tangent much?

Yeah, I think it is terribly sad when young girls come up with the idea that they are nothing without a man. Not that this is a problem specific to the church...

I think it is completely stupid when women feel like they can't survive without men. I don't have a guy in my life. Some would have you believe that your father looks after you until your husband can take over. That's ridiculous. I have been living without men for like 2 and a half years. I have 3 amazing jobs, and am able to support myself. I can do pretty much anything I need to do.

I think it is wrong also, to think that a woman can only choose one way. I mean, yeah I want a family more than I want a career. That doesn't mean I won't have a career. I'd much prefer to have a ministry though. :)

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I don't think what these women do in their lives is wrong. I think that their reasons for doing so are.

It's not silly to want lots of kids. It is silly to think that the only purpose in your life is to have kids.

It's not silly to want a guy to protect you and care about you. It is silly to think you can't look after yourself.

It's not silly at all to want to be a stay at home mum. It is silly to think that you have to.

It just so happens that I want what is perceived to be a very conservative life. But I do not see myself as a conservative, down trodden, housewife-wanna-be.

Femininity does mean being nurturing, and all those things. But there is more than one way to do that.

Things just aren't very simple

Really, they aren't.

See, this youth ministry thing seems to have a lot more decision making than I would have thought. And it seems like every decision has the potential to hurt somebody. I don't wanna hurt anybody. But I do want to do the right thing, and the things that feel best to me.

I feel like if I try and change anything, people take that as criticism. (Then again, everything I do gets criticised. I know it shouldn't matter, but being told the meals I cook are too fancy, or the program is too plain...I dunno, I just don't get why people have to say those things. I'm different from Guy, ok? I don't have the patience to put a million little coloured pictures in the youth program. So what? Does it really matter enough to complain about? I can't live with myself if i feed people shit. It's one of my oh so frustrating quirks i guess. Why make an issue out of it? If i take the kids to a strip club, that's a problem. If no one is coming to youth group because it is so boring, tell me. Constructive criticism = fine. If the rest is a big deal, shut up and offer to do it yourself.)

I think that the youth ministry at Malvern has been great. I don't think it should stay the same forever though. Dude, that's why the church in Australia is freaking dying. That and the fact that we don't get persecuted enough. But I feel like people will hate me for even the smallest change.

Not to mention I want to make some big changes. And I'm not sure that people will like them. And i'm scared that people will be even less likely to want to be leaders, but should I let our standards drop just because of that? Surely not...

All I want to do is to help draw young people closer to God, and to connect them in a meaningful way to the church. And none of what I'm doing seems to have the potential to do that. But I have to do it anyway. Grrr.

OK, rant over. I do love my job you know :)