Ridiculous thoughts at 2 AM

I over react to things too much. I really try to be laid back. But isn't that almost an oxymoron? I try and stay calm. But the most little thing can trigger all kinds of bizarre reactions. I cry so freaking much. I think I have cried every day that I have worked at church so far. Who knows why. I love that job. Fridays and Mondays are my favourite days, the days I don't have to drag myself out of bed in the morning. Then I will stress out at the littlest things.

It must be incredibly frustrating to be my friend, or even to be in the same room as me. Like poor Mark the other, having me completely lose it because I thought the chile was burnt. Why can't I just be calmer?

I hate it that I attention seek so much. Without even intending to, I find myself trying to be funny, or weird, or anything, just to get people to notice me. I really don't even want to. Although one could argue that blogging in itself is attention seeking.

It's ridiculous.

And I am so sick of it. I feel like it takes over my life sometimes. I get so stressed, and I am sick of the panic attacks, and the headaches, and the stomach problems, and everything else.

But I worry you know. Just say, I was to lose this. would I still be the same person? Would I be any use at all if I wasn't this OTT? You can see from the state of my house (the place I crash every night) that without stress and panic, I have no motivation. When I was majorly depressed, my room was perfect. My life was as under control as I could possibly make it. I feel as if the better I get, the less like me I get. Being messy isn't me. I hate it. I can't stand being at home, because it is where I am messy.

What scares me even more, is that if I don't feel sad all the time, if I just feel normal, then will things be able to make me feel as happy as they do now? Being happy after being so sad, I love the contrast. I don't know if it is the same any other way. I can't remember.

Yes, I want to keep on getting better, but I just get so scared sometimes that better is actually worse.

I do want to get better, I know I do. It's just sometimes that I feel like this. Just a little worry at the back of my mind.

I know that Jesus loves me, and that he wants me better. So I guess I just have to trust that with him, better truly will be better.