Treading water.

I'm not coping well with life at the moment.
It shouldn't be a surprise to me. I've been depressed for 10 years or so now. On and off. I've dealt with anxiety, panic attacks, self injury. Suicidal desires. I've done almost everything except drugs to cope with it. And smoking. Coz that shit is gross.
But this is a whole new ball game.
Ever since I lost my job, things have been going downhill. I have had more and more days of just not getting out of bed. I don't feel bad all the time. I just don't feel anything. When I do feel, it's like there is no control over my emotions. It's terrifying. I'll suddenly find myself crying in the shops. Or I'll be driving down the hill and decide I should just take my hands off the wheel and accelerate. It only lasts a second.
I go through so many emotions so quickly. They are all valid. But I'm feeling them all too strongly, and they are changing too quickly. I feel dizzy. I can't keep up.
I know how I could fix this. One cut and everything will stop swirling. I won't be feeling too much or too little. The physical pain will save me from every thing else.
But it's too addictive. If I could just do it once, maybe I would. But it was so hard to kick last time.
So I'll just try and keep my head above water a bit longer. And hope that everything calms down.
At least this time, I have valid reasons to feel like shit. Lots of stuff sucks right now. So it's not crazy depression without reason anymore.
I sort of thought it was all under control for a while there. But life was easy for a while too. I guess I just don't cope very well with adversity.
Someone said I was strong recently. If she could see inside my head she would know how false that is.
I'm barely holding together. I'm stuck together with clag glue at the moment. One more nudge will send me to pieces.
Which would be okay. I've been in pieces before. I've put them back together.
I'll be okay. I'm in no danger of hurting myself or anyone else.
The worst that will happen will be inappropriate tears, or pushing more friends away.
I had a good day today. I was volunteering. Helping others always helps I guess.
Jesus help me.