Is it possible to have your heart broken platonically? I think so.
I've had my heart broken romantically. A couple of years ago. It was horrible. It involved a lot of tears, and wine, and sad sad movie, and Lady Antebellum's "need you now" on repeat. I'd prefer to never do that again.
But over my life, I think my heart has been broken by friends on several occasions. I don't enjoy the demise of any relationship. Sometimes that happens naturally. I understand this. Friendships have their seasons. You never let them leave your heart, but you don't see them every day.
But sometimes a friend has suddenly decided that they don't like you, or just don't care, or for whatever reason, they decide to end things.
I don't ever expect this. And it's kind of like a break up in many ways. For example, I usually end up on the couch, crying and eating ice cream. Lol actually that may or may not be true. I don't need to reveal quite how much of a cliche I am right now.
It hurts a lot, is what I'm trying to say. I don't know if this is normal. Have others experienced this?
On my worst days, I assume this only happens to me. That I am somehow unlovable. But when I am realistic, I guess this happens to everyone. I may be more sensitive than some people, but I am not the cause of this. Or at least I hope not.
This has probably only happened 3 or 4 times. One of those times the person forgave me, and we 'got back together', and are still friends now. One is recent, and I hold a little hope that things can change. But there are a couple of people I still feel devastated about losing. I still love them with all my heart, but the friendship has meet been rebuilt. I don't cry every day, or anything crazy. But they are always somewhere there at the back of my mind.
So what is worse? Losing love or losing friendship? How can that possibly be measured?
I love my friends. All of them. Whether they accept that or not.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Trains
I'm sitting on a train. I love trains. I always have. The rhythm soothes me, and the hum of the engine is comforting. But I think it's more than that. All my favourite places to be, like the central markets, trains and trams, the beach, cafes, etc have this attribute I call public loneliness.
Public loneliness is, as those of you who are literate might have guessed, simply the state of being alone in public.
For me, it's something I find completely necessary.
I'm an extrovert. Not in the sense of loving public speaking, or clowning around, although I do enjoy those things from time to time. In the sense of needing people around me to fuel me. If I am left alone for more than a day or so, I go mad. In fact whenever I am alone, my feelings take over. Sometimes that's okay, and a good thing. But sometimes, like these last few weeks, I just have too many feelings to handle all at once. When I'm alone they just burble up, and suffocate me.
While being with people is a good thing, it is also difficult. Because I can't realistically let people see what's going on. Some friends, yes sure. But not everyone. That would be chaos. And so I have the public version of me. She hasn't been working well recently. She's quieter, and more distracted. But, she is still protecting me. Perhaps too well. She doesn't let me feel any emotions at all any more. To prevent me from crying in front of people, she also has to stop me laughing. She just has to stop me feeling at all. Tonight I fell off a porch and dropped and smashed my phone. If she let my emotions work, I would be embarrassed and upset about that. But no, there's no emotions.
So there are my two options. I can drown in emotions, or have none at all.
Until I get into the public alone space. It's the perfect mix of being able to be quiet and think, but still having to hold it all together.
I can't break down and cry, or shake, like I might do in private.
But I also don't have to talk or laugh or express any emotion at all.
The strangers around me unknowingly hold me together, while I gather myself.
It's a blessing.
Public loneliness is, as those of you who are literate might have guessed, simply the state of being alone in public.
For me, it's something I find completely necessary.
I'm an extrovert. Not in the sense of loving public speaking, or clowning around, although I do enjoy those things from time to time. In the sense of needing people around me to fuel me. If I am left alone for more than a day or so, I go mad. In fact whenever I am alone, my feelings take over. Sometimes that's okay, and a good thing. But sometimes, like these last few weeks, I just have too many feelings to handle all at once. When I'm alone they just burble up, and suffocate me.
While being with people is a good thing, it is also difficult. Because I can't realistically let people see what's going on. Some friends, yes sure. But not everyone. That would be chaos. And so I have the public version of me. She hasn't been working well recently. She's quieter, and more distracted. But, she is still protecting me. Perhaps too well. She doesn't let me feel any emotions at all any more. To prevent me from crying in front of people, she also has to stop me laughing. She just has to stop me feeling at all. Tonight I fell off a porch and dropped and smashed my phone. If she let my emotions work, I would be embarrassed and upset about that. But no, there's no emotions.
So there are my two options. I can drown in emotions, or have none at all.
Until I get into the public alone space. It's the perfect mix of being able to be quiet and think, but still having to hold it all together.
I can't break down and cry, or shake, like I might do in private.
But I also don't have to talk or laugh or express any emotion at all.
The strangers around me unknowingly hold me together, while I gather myself.
It's a blessing.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
What happened?
So yesterday's blog was...gloomy. To say the least.
I don't know what happened. But today I've been fine. Better than that actually. For me, pretty great.
Was someone praying? Coz this never happens. I was happy without trying. And without life getting better.
Weird. But good.
I don't know what happened. But today I've been fine. Better than that actually. For me, pretty great.
Was someone praying? Coz this never happens. I was happy without trying. And without life getting better.
Weird. But good.
Treading water.
I'm not coping well with life at the moment.
It shouldn't be a surprise to me. I've been depressed for 10 years or so now. On and off. I've dealt with anxiety, panic attacks, self injury. Suicidal desires. I've done almost everything except drugs to cope with it. And smoking. Coz that shit is gross.
But this is a whole new ball game.
Ever since I lost my job, things have been going downhill. I have had more and more days of just not getting out of bed. I don't feel bad all the time. I just don't feel anything. When I do feel, it's like there is no control over my emotions. It's terrifying. I'll suddenly find myself crying in the shops. Or I'll be driving down the hill and decide I should just take my hands off the wheel and accelerate. It only lasts a second.
I go through so many emotions so quickly. They are all valid. But I'm feeling them all too strongly, and they are changing too quickly. I feel dizzy. I can't keep up.
I know how I could fix this. One cut and everything will stop swirling. I won't be feeling too much or too little. The physical pain will save me from every thing else.
But it's too addictive. If I could just do it once, maybe I would. But it was so hard to kick last time.
So I'll just try and keep my head above water a bit longer. And hope that everything calms down.
At least this time, I have valid reasons to feel like shit. Lots of stuff sucks right now. So it's not crazy depression without reason anymore.
I sort of thought it was all under control for a while there. But life was easy for a while too. I guess I just don't cope very well with adversity.
Someone said I was strong recently. If she could see inside my head she would know how false that is.
I'm barely holding together. I'm stuck together with clag glue at the moment. One more nudge will send me to pieces.
Which would be okay. I've been in pieces before. I've put them back together.
I'll be okay. I'm in no danger of hurting myself or anyone else.
The worst that will happen will be inappropriate tears, or pushing more friends away.
I had a good day today. I was volunteering. Helping others always helps I guess.
Jesus help me.
It shouldn't be a surprise to me. I've been depressed for 10 years or so now. On and off. I've dealt with anxiety, panic attacks, self injury. Suicidal desires. I've done almost everything except drugs to cope with it. And smoking. Coz that shit is gross.
But this is a whole new ball game.
Ever since I lost my job, things have been going downhill. I have had more and more days of just not getting out of bed. I don't feel bad all the time. I just don't feel anything. When I do feel, it's like there is no control over my emotions. It's terrifying. I'll suddenly find myself crying in the shops. Or I'll be driving down the hill and decide I should just take my hands off the wheel and accelerate. It only lasts a second.
I go through so many emotions so quickly. They are all valid. But I'm feeling them all too strongly, and they are changing too quickly. I feel dizzy. I can't keep up.
I know how I could fix this. One cut and everything will stop swirling. I won't be feeling too much or too little. The physical pain will save me from every thing else.
But it's too addictive. If I could just do it once, maybe I would. But it was so hard to kick last time.
So I'll just try and keep my head above water a bit longer. And hope that everything calms down.
At least this time, I have valid reasons to feel like shit. Lots of stuff sucks right now. So it's not crazy depression without reason anymore.
I sort of thought it was all under control for a while there. But life was easy for a while too. I guess I just don't cope very well with adversity.
Someone said I was strong recently. If she could see inside my head she would know how false that is.
I'm barely holding together. I'm stuck together with clag glue at the moment. One more nudge will send me to pieces.
Which would be okay. I've been in pieces before. I've put them back together.
I'll be okay. I'm in no danger of hurting myself or anyone else.
The worst that will happen will be inappropriate tears, or pushing more friends away.
I had a good day today. I was volunteering. Helping others always helps I guess.
Jesus help me.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Friendship
Friendship. Is it meant to be forever? In the Rosalie rule book it is.
Not like every single acquaintance stays forever. That's pretty normal.
It's also normal to drift closer and further apart over time. But you don't love each other any less.
A great example of this is my yits girls. Obviously we were closer when we saw each other three days a week. But now even when we don't see each other for months, we get together and it's like nothing changed. It's amazing.
Recently I met someone new. A friend of a friend. We got to know each other, and became quite close.
I told her once that she'd never lose me. I told her I never let friends go.
But then something happened. I guess this is normal and part of life. Whatever. She seems to have decided for whatever reason that we can't be friends anymore. it's very confusing I can't tell if it is because I've done something wrong, and she genuinely dislikes me, or because she thinks she's hurt me, or what. She's amazing, but not the most clear person I have ever met.
And I guess I should be fine with this. I should just grow up and move on. Except that when you are in my heart, you never leave it.
I don't know how to express this to her. I've tried so hard. But everything else keeps getting in the way.
Right at the moment, life is getting pretty crap for me. Life always sucks in some way, I know. But now I have no church, I'm having family issues, work sucks, I'm financially screwed, I just failed uni, my depression is getting worse every day, my social opportunities are being taken from me. All first world problems I know, but it's hard. The one thing I did have was these few close friends, keeping me going. And for one to just discard me like trash, well, it makes me feel like trash. And also like it's going to happen again. When will the next person just give up on me? When will someone I trust with everything just change their mind?
Anyone who bothers to read this...If we are friends, I will always love you. No matter what. I don't have much to offer in a friendship, but that much is true.
Not like every single acquaintance stays forever. That's pretty normal.
It's also normal to drift closer and further apart over time. But you don't love each other any less.
A great example of this is my yits girls. Obviously we were closer when we saw each other three days a week. But now even when we don't see each other for months, we get together and it's like nothing changed. It's amazing.
Recently I met someone new. A friend of a friend. We got to know each other, and became quite close.
I told her once that she'd never lose me. I told her I never let friends go.
But then something happened. I guess this is normal and part of life. Whatever. She seems to have decided for whatever reason that we can't be friends anymore. it's very confusing I can't tell if it is because I've done something wrong, and she genuinely dislikes me, or because she thinks she's hurt me, or what. She's amazing, but not the most clear person I have ever met.
And I guess I should be fine with this. I should just grow up and move on. Except that when you are in my heart, you never leave it.
I don't know how to express this to her. I've tried so hard. But everything else keeps getting in the way.
Right at the moment, life is getting pretty crap for me. Life always sucks in some way, I know. But now I have no church, I'm having family issues, work sucks, I'm financially screwed, I just failed uni, my depression is getting worse every day, my social opportunities are being taken from me. All first world problems I know, but it's hard. The one thing I did have was these few close friends, keeping me going. And for one to just discard me like trash, well, it makes me feel like trash. And also like it's going to happen again. When will the next person just give up on me? When will someone I trust with everything just change their mind?
Anyone who bothers to read this...If we are friends, I will always love you. No matter what. I don't have much to offer in a friendship, but that much is true.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Queer Beliefs
"He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious?"
Actually Avril, you could.
I wish that's what anyone could respond to that particular song. To that idea that "normal" means heterosexual. That there are only 2, polarised genders.
I hope that when I raise children, they will know that boys can fall in love with boys. That biological girls can identify as male. Etc. And most importantly, that nothing in heaven or on earth could separate them from the Love of God.
I actually have a lot of hope that the world will become more queer friendly.
Statistics show it, my own experience shows it. The media is becoming more inclusive. We still have a long way to go, but momentum is gathering.
What I do worry about is that the divide between the church and the community will grow wider again.
I fear that youth retention rates will continue to fall. I don't blame young people for leaving. I'm a young person, and I want to leave. I'm not going to, but sometimes I don't feel strong enough to fight.
Fighting is hard. I'm guilty of not fighting hard enough over the last few years.
This isn't the kind of fight that's going to be won by attending rallies or by challenging church doctrine. The big things will help, for sure, but wiping out homophobia is gonna have to involve lifestyle changes.
I still don't know what this would look like. It's so far from where we are now.
All I know is that I'm starting change with myself, and my conversations ad attitudes.
Join me :)
Actually Avril, you could.
I wish that's what anyone could respond to that particular song. To that idea that "normal" means heterosexual. That there are only 2, polarised genders.
I hope that when I raise children, they will know that boys can fall in love with boys. That biological girls can identify as male. Etc. And most importantly, that nothing in heaven or on earth could separate them from the Love of God.
I actually have a lot of hope that the world will become more queer friendly.
Statistics show it, my own experience shows it. The media is becoming more inclusive. We still have a long way to go, but momentum is gathering.
What I do worry about is that the divide between the church and the community will grow wider again.
I fear that youth retention rates will continue to fall. I don't blame young people for leaving. I'm a young person, and I want to leave. I'm not going to, but sometimes I don't feel strong enough to fight.
Fighting is hard. I'm guilty of not fighting hard enough over the last few years.
This isn't the kind of fight that's going to be won by attending rallies or by challenging church doctrine. The big things will help, for sure, but wiping out homophobia is gonna have to involve lifestyle changes.
I still don't know what this would look like. It's so far from where we are now.
All I know is that I'm starting change with myself, and my conversations ad attitudes.
Join me :)
Monday, February 13, 2012
Can Only Go Up From Here
So I made the first move toward getting my life sorted out today. finally figured out my new uni timetable. And do you know what? Since I don't have to care what anyone else thinks of my life choices any more, I chose a subject about Gender and Sexuality. I wanted to do it, but thought people would not understand and judge me for it before. But now, I guess I can really just do the things I want to do. Tiny silver lining there!
But anyway, kind of exciting for me. Started thinking about study next year as well, it's good to be able to look ahead again.
I've been in survival mode for too long now. Happy to be trying to move on.
It still hurts like crazy to think about it all. I still can't believe it happened. But, I'm getting there.
Still need lots of hugs though :P
But anyway, kind of exciting for me. Started thinking about study next year as well, it's good to be able to look ahead again.
I've been in survival mode for too long now. Happy to be trying to move on.
It still hurts like crazy to think about it all. I still can't believe it happened. But, I'm getting there.
Still need lots of hugs though :P
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Treading Water
Living with depression feels like treading water. I'm scared to stop moving because I don't want to sink down again. It's exhausting.
Finding a church feels much the same. I just want to take some time off, and just be sad about everything that happened at Malvern. But I can't. I know that if I get out of rhythm, I may never get back into it. I came close t doing that before. Going to church isn't something that I necessarily enjoy all the time. A lot of the time it's really hard. At least when you're established in a church you know what you can expect, and you're involved. I know I should just want to go and worship Jesus, but I'd really rather mope around at home.
Meeting new people is exhausting. Being a part of new worship styles is exhausting. Etc Etc Etc.
I know it's really important, and hence I'm gonna force myself out of bed and into something slightly more stylish than PJs very soon. But I can really see why so many people fall away from the church. It's hard work.
Blah I'm pathetic, but getting this out of my system did help. Right, off to explore new churches. :)
Finding a church feels much the same. I just want to take some time off, and just be sad about everything that happened at Malvern. But I can't. I know that if I get out of rhythm, I may never get back into it. I came close t doing that before. Going to church isn't something that I necessarily enjoy all the time. A lot of the time it's really hard. At least when you're established in a church you know what you can expect, and you're involved. I know I should just want to go and worship Jesus, but I'd really rather mope around at home.
Meeting new people is exhausting. Being a part of new worship styles is exhausting. Etc Etc Etc.
I know it's really important, and hence I'm gonna force myself out of bed and into something slightly more stylish than PJs very soon. But I can really see why so many people fall away from the church. It's hard work.
Blah I'm pathetic, but getting this out of my system did help. Right, off to explore new churches. :)
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
February
Just a quick note to say WOW! I can't believe a whole month of 2011 is gone already.
It's been great, with lots of rest, partying and time spent with friends. One of my highlights was Port Vincent Scripture Union Beach Mission. It was fantastic to be a part of telling kids and their families about Jesus. We had over 80 primary school aged children, and the youth program got up to 25 on the last day, which was really amazing.
I also went to Port Lincoln, which was fun, and I really enjoyed meeting new people, catching up with some I hadn't seen in ages, and of course staying with the best girls ever, and a very darling little baby. I discovered that the TUNArama is all about tuna, and that apparently blinking your fingers is something only I can do.
I'm looking forward to the rest of this year, I'm sure each month will be just as exciting.
It's been great, with lots of rest, partying and time spent with friends. One of my highlights was Port Vincent Scripture Union Beach Mission. It was fantastic to be a part of telling kids and their families about Jesus. We had over 80 primary school aged children, and the youth program got up to 25 on the last day, which was really amazing.
I also went to Port Lincoln, which was fun, and I really enjoyed meeting new people, catching up with some I hadn't seen in ages, and of course staying with the best girls ever, and a very darling little baby. I discovered that the TUNArama is all about tuna, and that apparently blinking your fingers is something only I can do.
I'm looking forward to the rest of this year, I'm sure each month will be just as exciting.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Love
All around me, people are falling in love. Quite seriously, I think they could write a Charmed episode about me, I think some misguided fairy has bewitched me, so that all around me find and fall in love. Unfortunately, the spell means that I will be forever incapable of finding true romance.
I doubt very much that this is true, but it's a storyline which matches how I feel some of the time.
Mostly I am so happy for my friends. Whether they are in the early stages of a friendship, and you can see that special sparkle, or whether they have been married for years, but still show the world they love each other, it's so sweet to watch. But every now and then, this little tiny part of me feels jealous. Occasionally, I cry just a little bit. Sometimes, I get worried that it'll never happen to me. I fear being single for life almost more than anything else in the world.
People say you should wait patiently, and that you should treasure your single years. I know in my head that that is true, but convincing my heart is another thing all together.
I'm sure one day it'll happen. It just seems impossible now.
So, I'll just continue teasing, and pretending that love doesn't exist. I'll continue to refuse to watch sappy romantic movies. It's my coping mechanism, and it's how I can continue this whole Happy Rosalie facade.
I doubt very much that this is true, but it's a storyline which matches how I feel some of the time.
Mostly I am so happy for my friends. Whether they are in the early stages of a friendship, and you can see that special sparkle, or whether they have been married for years, but still show the world they love each other, it's so sweet to watch. But every now and then, this little tiny part of me feels jealous. Occasionally, I cry just a little bit. Sometimes, I get worried that it'll never happen to me. I fear being single for life almost more than anything else in the world.
People say you should wait patiently, and that you should treasure your single years. I know in my head that that is true, but convincing my heart is another thing all together.
I'm sure one day it'll happen. It just seems impossible now.
So, I'll just continue teasing, and pretending that love doesn't exist. I'll continue to refuse to watch sappy romantic movies. It's my coping mechanism, and it's how I can continue this whole Happy Rosalie facade.
Friday, November 26, 2010
just thinking out loud...
Does it make me a bad person that I just texted youth groupians, really hoping that they are all naughty kids and have their phones on them at school? Maybe a little bit...
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Summer is just around the corner...
I just love summer. I love mangoes and the beach and dresses and Christmas and everything about it.
I'm very excited about my 4 whole weeks of holiday. don't know exactly what I'm doing yet, but it's going to be beautiful. And hopefully free :P I wanna go camping. But camping in summer would be crap. Can you go camping at the beach? I'd like that. I think. I haven't been proper camping in a while. A long while. But whatever.
Then there is Port Vincent Family Mission, which is going to be amazing. Very excited about that. Probably mostly excited about getting to spend that time with my family, but also the telling families about Jesus part...
And I love summer fruit. Mangoes, strawberries, apricots, peaches, nectarines...yum yum yum. Oh, and plums!
Such good fun :D
I'm very excited about my 4 whole weeks of holiday. don't know exactly what I'm doing yet, but it's going to be beautiful. And hopefully free :P I wanna go camping. But camping in summer would be crap. Can you go camping at the beach? I'd like that. I think. I haven't been proper camping in a while. A long while. But whatever.
Then there is Port Vincent Family Mission, which is going to be amazing. Very excited about that. Probably mostly excited about getting to spend that time with my family, but also the telling families about Jesus part...
And I love summer fruit. Mangoes, strawberries, apricots, peaches, nectarines...yum yum yum. Oh, and plums!
Such good fun :D
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Kids Club is Amazing
...just putting it out there :D
We have a team of the most incredible junior leaders and Kids Club assistants. Seriously, this Kids Club has been very little stress for everyone, and these guys are the ones to thank. I'm always amazed to see young people use their initiative, and pitch in and make something incredible happen! We only have like 6 adults, and it all works out, I just can't get over it. I can't think of an adjective that sums it up. Marvelous, amazing, incredible, fabulous etc etc.
And the kids have been beautiful. Seriously, I've barely had to raise my voice at all. Well I did in the drama today yelling "Fire fire" :P Amazing kids.
Everything's gone so smoothly, we've been really fortunate.
And I had an amazing night's sleep yesterday, so I feel great. Have to organise a couple of things for tomorrow, but that's cool. Just having a few minutes of break first lol. Might go check my frontierville or something...coz yes, I like to waste my time. Ah well.
Jesus is so great. Things like Kids Club don't just happen, they happen with his support and guidance, and I'm just so grateful.
And yes, I know this sounds overly cheerful, but that's just how I feel right now. :P
You want a negative? Well, I smell all chloriney :P That's about as bad as it gets today. And i still have a headache from where I hit it the other day, but even that has a positive side, coz it reminds me of the doughnuts I was watching which caused me to hit it, and the doughnuts were yum and remind me of my sister, so really cool silver lining there :D
Love Jesus, Love life, Love everything and everyone. :)
Friday, September 17, 2010
In other news...
Wow it's been a blog since I've monthed. That's literally the first attempt at the start for this, a possible indication that I'm over tired? yes, probably...
Life has been interesting to say the least. I've had some great moments, like my brother's 2nd birthday. We had a "Very Hungry Caterpillar" party, which was amazing. We had all the foods from the book, it was so cute. He loved the strawberries even more than the chocolates and stuff, so adorable.
Then a friend I thought I'd lost turned out to still love me, so I was like insanely happy for a full 24 hours. Like singing and dancing in the street happy. :)
Speaking of singing and dancing in the street, I was home one night and heard the fireworks from the show, so i ran down the street in my pajamas to try and get a good look at them. My pants had lost their elastic, so I was trying to hold them up the whole time, I must have looked ridiculous. But it was so much fun.
I've started trying to be honest with people when I feel crap, and I'm trying to get help before I slide all the way to the bottom of the hill. the previous sentence is my amazing segue from positive to not so great life events...:P
Work is incredibly insane. I love my job, but it is so wearing! I've been here for 13 hours today, and not got even half of what I should have done. I'm going home when I finish this though, coz I'm trying to be sensible and stuff.
My lips are still sick. It seems so trivial, but since my 2 favourite things are eating and talking, it sucks so much to have so much pain when doing them. And i miss coffee so much. I think I should cut out spicy foods next, but I don't know how i'll cope. I love my curries :(
So we've covered the good and the bad, now for the interesting.
I've been researching evolution vs creation for a youth group devotion. It hasn't really answered any of my questions so far, in fact it has been really challenging. I don't want to believe in evolution. For one thing, the whole concept repulses me. Probably just coz of how I was brought up, the idea that we evolved from monkeys makes me feel physically sick. Then, I don't really want to change my beliefs about this. I don't know why I am being so stubborn, I'm pretty open to new ideas normally. Well I think I am anyway.
And I don't even have anyone to talk to about it. Books are great, but the ones I have are so liberal, and I know people who aren't that liberal and who believe in evolution, but most people don't really care. I never used to.
It just seems to make a difference. If the definition of humanity changes, and the definition of sin changes, then wouldn't it follow that salvation would change? Maybe how I understand the world is all wrong.
I've never gotten so worked up about beliefs before. It's really horrible.
All I know is that Jesus loves me, and none of this changes that at least.
Life has been interesting to say the least. I've had some great moments, like my brother's 2nd birthday. We had a "Very Hungry Caterpillar" party, which was amazing. We had all the foods from the book, it was so cute. He loved the strawberries even more than the chocolates and stuff, so adorable.
Then a friend I thought I'd lost turned out to still love me, so I was like insanely happy for a full 24 hours. Like singing and dancing in the street happy. :)
Speaking of singing and dancing in the street, I was home one night and heard the fireworks from the show, so i ran down the street in my pajamas to try and get a good look at them. My pants had lost their elastic, so I was trying to hold them up the whole time, I must have looked ridiculous. But it was so much fun.
I've started trying to be honest with people when I feel crap, and I'm trying to get help before I slide all the way to the bottom of the hill. the previous sentence is my amazing segue from positive to not so great life events...:P
Work is incredibly insane. I love my job, but it is so wearing! I've been here for 13 hours today, and not got even half of what I should have done. I'm going home when I finish this though, coz I'm trying to be sensible and stuff.
My lips are still sick. It seems so trivial, but since my 2 favourite things are eating and talking, it sucks so much to have so much pain when doing them. And i miss coffee so much. I think I should cut out spicy foods next, but I don't know how i'll cope. I love my curries :(
So we've covered the good and the bad, now for the interesting.
I've been researching evolution vs creation for a youth group devotion. It hasn't really answered any of my questions so far, in fact it has been really challenging. I don't want to believe in evolution. For one thing, the whole concept repulses me. Probably just coz of how I was brought up, the idea that we evolved from monkeys makes me feel physically sick. Then, I don't really want to change my beliefs about this. I don't know why I am being so stubborn, I'm pretty open to new ideas normally. Well I think I am anyway.
And I don't even have anyone to talk to about it. Books are great, but the ones I have are so liberal, and I know people who aren't that liberal and who believe in evolution, but most people don't really care. I never used to.
It just seems to make a difference. If the definition of humanity changes, and the definition of sin changes, then wouldn't it follow that salvation would change? Maybe how I understand the world is all wrong.
I've never gotten so worked up about beliefs before. It's really horrible.
All I know is that Jesus loves me, and none of this changes that at least.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Schnitzel for your thoughts?
Just came into church to do a couple of things, and then the front office lady wanted to leave early, so I said I'd answer the phones, coz I have nothing better to do. So I figured I'd write a blog.
I haven't written one in ages because I've either been busy, too grumpy or too happy to write. Yes, my life is an emotional rollercoaster...feel sorry for my future hubby :P
So...last couple of weeks...
The Good:
- I got my 2011 diary. My friends keep paying me out, but it makes me happy and that's all that counts. I really wanted a filofax, but they are like $60 which is ridiculous. So I got an $11 one, which is perfectly sufficient, and is purple! And I've used it on several occasions already, so pfft to the scornful.
- A dress I really loved at target went from $35 to $7, so I bought it. I love it a lot :)
- I got a stripey wool hat which I call my adventure hat, because it looks like it needs to go on an adventure. I haven't decided where yet.
- Just had a few days off work at church, which was fun. Had the chance to clean up a lot of my house which was good. Lesley came down, and we did a few fun things. Watched many movies and visited the Adelaide Gaol.
- Planning for kids club is going really well. Our theme is "the great treasure hunt" and it's just been really easy to put stuff together for it.
- Got to see my little adopted nephew baby! In unfortunate circumstances, but it was nice to have a cuddle.
- We're starting a new bible study series at church tomorrow night, and I'm really looking forward to it. It's called Gospel in Life, and it's been done by Timothy Kellar. I've had a bit of a look at the workbook and it looks really good.
The Bad
- My depression is still making life pretty hard. It's just really hard to try and deal with stressful situations when it's already been a struggle to get out of bed and face the day that morning. God is with me, but it's still really hard.
- Having so much social stuff over the weekend was great, but now I'm heaps lonely. Tonight will be my first evening home alone in a week, and I'm not looking forward to it.
- I'm realising that it sucks to be a grown up :P especially when you have to be way more mature than your friends for whatever reason. I sometimes wish I had the freedom to just be a uni student and not really have that much responsibility, but I know I'm where God wants me, so I guess I'll cope!
- I've been sick, and on top of that my lip infection came back. So no caffeine, OJ, alcohol, etc 'til i get better, and I'm back on antibiotics. It's like the no fun disease, I can't eat, can't drink anything yummy, can't make out with ppl...:P
The Interesting
- The election is coming up and I'm still not sure who to vote for.
- Last Saturday was my first time of not attending youth group this year. it went well, which I knew it would, but I still feel like I left my baby lol!
- I have been thinking a lot about pride and humility over the last few weeks. Troubling thoughts. But also somewhat positive.
- I locked myself out of my house the other night. Hilarious, because after spending half an hour breaking in, I realised the key was in my pocket all along. Not so funny coz I got really mad at my best friend :(
So, that's my life at the moment. On average, it is pretty good really :)
I haven't written one in ages because I've either been busy, too grumpy or too happy to write. Yes, my life is an emotional rollercoaster...feel sorry for my future hubby :P
So...last couple of weeks...
The Good:
- I got my 2011 diary. My friends keep paying me out, but it makes me happy and that's all that counts. I really wanted a filofax, but they are like $60 which is ridiculous. So I got an $11 one, which is perfectly sufficient, and is purple! And I've used it on several occasions already, so pfft to the scornful.
- A dress I really loved at target went from $35 to $7, so I bought it. I love it a lot :)
- I got a stripey wool hat which I call my adventure hat, because it looks like it needs to go on an adventure. I haven't decided where yet.
- Just had a few days off work at church, which was fun. Had the chance to clean up a lot of my house which was good. Lesley came down, and we did a few fun things. Watched many movies and visited the Adelaide Gaol.
- Planning for kids club is going really well. Our theme is "the great treasure hunt" and it's just been really easy to put stuff together for it.
- Got to see my little adopted nephew baby! In unfortunate circumstances, but it was nice to have a cuddle.
- We're starting a new bible study series at church tomorrow night, and I'm really looking forward to it. It's called Gospel in Life, and it's been done by Timothy Kellar. I've had a bit of a look at the workbook and it looks really good.
The Bad
- My depression is still making life pretty hard. It's just really hard to try and deal with stressful situations when it's already been a struggle to get out of bed and face the day that morning. God is with me, but it's still really hard.
- Having so much social stuff over the weekend was great, but now I'm heaps lonely. Tonight will be my first evening home alone in a week, and I'm not looking forward to it.
- I'm realising that it sucks to be a grown up :P especially when you have to be way more mature than your friends for whatever reason. I sometimes wish I had the freedom to just be a uni student and not really have that much responsibility, but I know I'm where God wants me, so I guess I'll cope!
- I've been sick, and on top of that my lip infection came back. So no caffeine, OJ, alcohol, etc 'til i get better, and I'm back on antibiotics. It's like the no fun disease, I can't eat, can't drink anything yummy, can't make out with ppl...:P
The Interesting
- The election is coming up and I'm still not sure who to vote for.
- Last Saturday was my first time of not attending youth group this year. it went well, which I knew it would, but I still feel like I left my baby lol!
- I have been thinking a lot about pride and humility over the last few weeks. Troubling thoughts. But also somewhat positive.
- I locked myself out of my house the other night. Hilarious, because after spending half an hour breaking in, I realised the key was in my pocket all along. Not so funny coz I got really mad at my best friend :(
So, that's my life at the moment. On average, it is pretty good really :)
Friday, August 6, 2010
Small Change For Change
My church has just started a charity. It's very exciting. You can find out more about it here.
We have 2 400 empty bottles just waiting to be filled with small change, the 'shrapnel' that collects in the ashtray of your car, the bottom of your handbag, and down the back of the couch. Money we don't even notice we have. Then this money is going to be used to dig clean water wells in Africa. 100% of the profits go towards the well, our church has paid for things like the bottles and stuff.
Anyway, enough about that. Most of you know about Small Change For Change anyway.
I have been noticing over the last week, that my attitude towards the project has been changing. When I first heard about the idea, I thought it sounded great. It seemed logical, and achievable. But it was all in my head. I felt no connection to the people, no real sympathy for them.
But God has been working in my heart, and that has changed. Seeing photos and watching video footage of evidence of the dirty water crisis has broken my heart. I am praying for change, and trying to start to live for change. I don't know how that's going to go. I just know that I can't sit back anymore and think that I'm not a part of the problem, and that I can't be a part of the solution.
I'm blogging this because I want it to be somewhat public. I want to be kept accountable.
For me, Small Change For Change isn't just about change in the 2 or 3 communities that will get wells as a result of this year's efforts. It's about change in my community as well.
We have 2 400 empty bottles just waiting to be filled with small change, the 'shrapnel' that collects in the ashtray of your car, the bottom of your handbag, and down the back of the couch. Money we don't even notice we have. Then this money is going to be used to dig clean water wells in Africa. 100% of the profits go towards the well, our church has paid for things like the bottles and stuff.
Anyway, enough about that. Most of you know about Small Change For Change anyway.
I have been noticing over the last week, that my attitude towards the project has been changing. When I first heard about the idea, I thought it sounded great. It seemed logical, and achievable. But it was all in my head. I felt no connection to the people, no real sympathy for them.
But God has been working in my heart, and that has changed. Seeing photos and watching video footage of evidence of the dirty water crisis has broken my heart. I am praying for change, and trying to start to live for change. I don't know how that's going to go. I just know that I can't sit back anymore and think that I'm not a part of the problem, and that I can't be a part of the solution.
I'm blogging this because I want it to be somewhat public. I want to be kept accountable.
For me, Small Change For Change isn't just about change in the 2 or 3 communities that will get wells as a result of this year's efforts. It's about change in my community as well.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Today
Church tonight was hilarious. First I was on sound desk which stresses me immensely, coz i am still learning how to do it, and it's scary. But noone really cares if I make mistakes lol, so I shouldn't really stress so much.
Then we had a massive leak which started during communion. As in, the roof started leaking. I heard it first, and while I was still trying to see where it was coming from, someone noticed water trickling down the wall. Before long it had turned into a mini deluge, and we were frantically finding buckets to catch the water, and move things out of the way.
Then coz I had been concentrating for so long, all my craziness came out during supper, and i had great fun being the clown :P I was on supper, and I hadn't been able to spend ages on baking and stuff, plus I am feeling like everything I try and make is a failure, so I just made baby quiches ( so named because of their size, not ingredients) and cold rolls, and then for sweets had yoyos to ice and decorate. It was reasonably entertaining.
Then I had to blow dry the water damaged hymn books (good thing I happened to have my hair drier on me) and help clean up, which, naturally, ended with me spilling milk all through the fridge and making even more work for us.
Then we went and watched a movie, which was fun but I didn't really get what was happening. My inability to distinguish men's faces didn't help, and we'd missed the beginning so I had no chance.
Now i'm home and have run out of dvds which is pretty sad. Oh well. I'll catch up on desperate housewives online hehe.
Then we had a massive leak which started during communion. As in, the roof started leaking. I heard it first, and while I was still trying to see where it was coming from, someone noticed water trickling down the wall. Before long it had turned into a mini deluge, and we were frantically finding buckets to catch the water, and move things out of the way.
Then coz I had been concentrating for so long, all my craziness came out during supper, and i had great fun being the clown :P I was on supper, and I hadn't been able to spend ages on baking and stuff, plus I am feeling like everything I try and make is a failure, so I just made baby quiches ( so named because of their size, not ingredients) and cold rolls, and then for sweets had yoyos to ice and decorate. It was reasonably entertaining.
Then I had to blow dry the water damaged hymn books (good thing I happened to have my hair drier on me) and help clean up, which, naturally, ended with me spilling milk all through the fridge and making even more work for us.
Then we went and watched a movie, which was fun but I didn't really get what was happening. My inability to distinguish men's faces didn't help, and we'd missed the beginning so I had no chance.
Now i'm home and have run out of dvds which is pretty sad. Oh well. I'll catch up on desperate housewives online hehe.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Expectations
I always get things I don't expect. Today I thought I was going to have an awful time at a dinner thing i had, and it turned out to be quite nice. I thought I'd have a god time at church, and I got really sad halfway through, which was weird for me. Normally I'm really happy at those kinds of things. I think I just miss my family a lot, and the labelling meant I had time to think about it.
Just weird really. But the overall labelling of bottles was great, it is so exciting that small change for change is actually happening, and it is really exciting to be a part of. I'm very proud to be a part of a church which has ideas, and puts them into action. :)
I'm trying to focus on a couple of verses from Ephesians recently. "Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bonds of peace." (Ephesians 4:2-3). Last week's sermon reminded me that pride can destroy pretty much everything good, and so I am trying to not let that be the case. But then again, the more you try not to be prideful, the more you fail. So I guess I have to let Jesus in more. Hmmm. Lots to think about there.
And last week I found out about some money issues that may make what I had planned for next year an impossibility. Kinda frustrated now. I just want to do what God wants, and not worry about financial stuff, but I've been doing that for a while and it hasn't been working out too well, so I dunno. If only I didn't need so much sleep. Trying to fit in 10 hours of sleep a night makes studying on top of full time work really hard.
What a jumble of thoughts. I don't have a chair at my desk, so I'm not going to try and improve them!
Just weird really. But the overall labelling of bottles was great, it is so exciting that small change for change is actually happening, and it is really exciting to be a part of. I'm very proud to be a part of a church which has ideas, and puts them into action. :)
I'm trying to focus on a couple of verses from Ephesians recently. "Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bonds of peace." (Ephesians 4:2-3). Last week's sermon reminded me that pride can destroy pretty much everything good, and so I am trying to not let that be the case. But then again, the more you try not to be prideful, the more you fail. So I guess I have to let Jesus in more. Hmmm. Lots to think about there.
And last week I found out about some money issues that may make what I had planned for next year an impossibility. Kinda frustrated now. I just want to do what God wants, and not worry about financial stuff, but I've been doing that for a while and it hasn't been working out too well, so I dunno. If only I didn't need so much sleep. Trying to fit in 10 hours of sleep a night makes studying on top of full time work really hard.
What a jumble of thoughts. I don't have a chair at my desk, so I'm not going to try and improve them!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Reflecting
Now for a longer post on Kids Club...
Things I learned:
Monday:
1. Don't cut the memory verse into 30 pieces. Terrible terrible idea. It took 5 leaders 10 minutes to put it back together, by which time I'd taught the kids the verse, and the visual back up was no longer needed.
2. Running on the tennis courts is never ever a good idea!
3. Ewen is really good at running games, especially since he had no warning!
Tuesday:
1. My dad's masks used for telling the story of Jairus's daughter are really not suited for me...firstly because I can't wear my glasses with them, secondly because my long hair gets in my face ridiculously.
2. Being able to step back from things and let others step up and run them is really amazing. Sally was an absolute star.
3. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Mark 9:23, everything is possible for him who believes! (actually I already knew this one, but everyone else learned it! and will possibly never get it out of their heads...)
Wednesday:
1. I can do magic tricks! Well one anyway...I was really pleased with how the bible story worked this day. One of the really little kids totally made the connection between the disappearing coin and the empty tomb, which was both cute and also encouraging.
2. Leaders meetings in the middle of Kids Club week are a bad idea. We are all too tired!
3. I'm not allowed to ask to eat the goldfish at Wok in a Box for tea. :(
Thursday:
1. 8 cups of tea in a day is too much for my bladder :P
2. Alana is going to do some amazing things in the future. Her ability to get up in front of a fairly big group was very impressive.
3. Things aren't always as they seem.
Friday:
1. I haven't grown out of my travel sickness...and my coping mechanism is still going to sleep :P
2. Baby Zebras are super cute
3. (Hopefully) without sounding vain/proud, I think I learned that I could do Kids Club fairly successfully. It's been a lot of hard work, but I think I did okay in the end.
Things I learned:
Monday:
1. Don't cut the memory verse into 30 pieces. Terrible terrible idea. It took 5 leaders 10 minutes to put it back together, by which time I'd taught the kids the verse, and the visual back up was no longer needed.
2. Running on the tennis courts is never ever a good idea!
3. Ewen is really good at running games, especially since he had no warning!
Tuesday:
1. My dad's masks used for telling the story of Jairus's daughter are really not suited for me...firstly because I can't wear my glasses with them, secondly because my long hair gets in my face ridiculously.
2. Being able to step back from things and let others step up and run them is really amazing. Sally was an absolute star.
3. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Mark 9:23, everything is possible for him who believes! (actually I already knew this one, but everyone else learned it! and will possibly never get it out of their heads...)
Wednesday:
1. I can do magic tricks! Well one anyway...I was really pleased with how the bible story worked this day. One of the really little kids totally made the connection between the disappearing coin and the empty tomb, which was both cute and also encouraging.
2. Leaders meetings in the middle of Kids Club week are a bad idea. We are all too tired!
3. I'm not allowed to ask to eat the goldfish at Wok in a Box for tea. :(
Thursday:
1. 8 cups of tea in a day is too much for my bladder :P
2. Alana is going to do some amazing things in the future. Her ability to get up in front of a fairly big group was very impressive.
3. Things aren't always as they seem.
Friday:
1. I haven't grown out of my travel sickness...and my coping mechanism is still going to sleep :P
2. Baby Zebras are super cute
3. (Hopefully) without sounding vain/proud, I think I learned that I could do Kids Club fairly successfully. It's been a lot of hard work, but I think I did okay in the end.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Kids Club
Wow kids club has been so great! I am so happy with how everything has gone so far. I was a bit shaky after Mondays teaching, I felt like I'd done a fairly crap job, but I think the rest of the week went ok.
The kids have been happy, and most of the leaders seem to be as well. It's just been a really good week. I have felt really positive about the whole thing. And it's Friday tomorrow, which means I basically have nothing to worry about. Just a devotion in the morning, and a few conversations that need to happen.
Sleepy time would probably be a good idea right now I guess.
The kids have been happy, and most of the leaders seem to be as well. It's just been a really good week. I have felt really positive about the whole thing. And it's Friday tomorrow, which means I basically have nothing to worry about. Just a devotion in the morning, and a few conversations that need to happen.
Sleepy time would probably be a good idea right now I guess.
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